(conversation 6-2-01)

jesi says:

what r u doing up

Martin Darkwolf says:

good fyou are still online

jesi says:

yes writing u

Martin Darkwolf says:

I am sorry

Martin Darkwolf says:

I good not go to sleep

jesi says:

why

Martin Darkwolf says:

I never should have said those things to you

jesi says:

turn on cam

Martin Darkwolf says:

I am an asshole, of course your life is yours to live, I am just thankful you chose to spend any part of it with me

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Martin Darkwolf says:

where are you my love

jesi says:

im here

Martin Darkwolf says:

I can not see you

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Martin Darkwolf says:

nothing

jesi says:

shit

jesi says:

push ur start button

Martin Darkwolf says:

do not worry too much about it

jesi says:

i am because i wanna c ur face as u speak to me

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Martin Darkwolf says:

there you are

Martin Darkwolf says:

are you ok

jesi says:

yes i also can not sleep

jesi says:

yes

jesi says:

i will be fine

Martin Darkwolf says:

I amsorry I upset you

Martin Darkwolf says:

please forgive me

jesi says:

i forgive u i just do not understand u

Martin Darkwolf says:

join the club

Martin Darkwolf says:

no oone does, not even I

jesi says:

i can understand that u've made ur own choices

jesi says:

i can even understand why u are happy w/ them

jesi says:

but i can not understand how u can sit there and expect me to just go along with every detail u want when i am doing everything i can short of two things to give u what u want for such a small part of what i want in return

Martin Darkwolf says:

that is why I am here apologizing to you a midnight...I was wrong to do that.

Martin Darkwolf says:

to even think such nonsense was wrong of me

jesi says:

i except ur appology but at the same time i know u enough to know u would not have said it if it were not true

jesi says:

it is the way u want things

Martin Darkwolf says:

the world does not turn the way I want it...I will just have to use to that fact

Martin Darkwolf says:

still love me

jesi says:

life just isn't fair now is it

jesi says:

u know i will always love u

Martin Darkwolf says:

no but sometimes it is carnaval

jesi says:

even if i can never have u thats the way love is

Martin Darkwolf says:

not even a reaction to a great pun like that...what is this world comig to

Martin Darkwolf says:

never have me?????

jesi says:

to myself so to speak

Martin Darkwolf says:

oh...thought you had changed you mind about coming

jesi says:

not yet

Martin Darkwolf says:

yet, as in mayhaps on the morror you shall

jesi says:

i am playing this by ear i will be completely certain of your expectations and weather i am capible of forfilling them b4 i leave here. I need to know exactly where i will stand in ur life and u in mine

Martin Darkwolf says:

I Love you...despite what ever macho babble I may yet spew, I love you with out limits

jesi says:

i love u too thats the hard part

jesi says:

that is the whole tug of war thing that is keeping me awake

Martin Darkwolf says:

I will be here for you, and I will place no restictions upon you...if the only way I can be a part of your life is to have you here and never be able to touch you...so be it

Martin Darkwolf says:

you were my closest friend, you kew my as only I had known me. your loss is still being felt. I need you back to be complete

jesi says:

sure like i can be near u and not touch u, who do u think ur talking to mother threasa

jesi says:

i want you and i plan on comming there as u have asked, there is still a place in my heart (no matter how bad this sounds) that says when things as u know it fall apart I will take my rightful place which is what i want. now with that i do believe i should shut up

Martin Darkwolf says:

mayhaps you will...for the future is always in motion, I knoiw not what the morror holds for us, but I do know that I will always love you

jesi says:

i could handel u having others i can even handel u telling me about it i would even be willing to share in some of these things w/ u but ultimately i desire to be the one u hold 1st , the one u come home to when ur running is done. and i love u

jesi says:

that much

Martin Darkwolf says:

ok love, lets us pick this up later, now that we have smiles...kiss me quick and show me your tits for a need sweet dreams tonight

jesi says:

i was in the process of writing u

Martin Darkwolf says:

I love you

jesi says:

i love u , this is just something i guess i'll have to deal with

Martin Darkwolf says:

what is in the letter

jesi says:

i am not a happy camper right now and i have too much on my mine w/ no outlet 4 release, i will not lash out at u and take the chance of loosing u again

Martin Darkwolf says:

I am not going back to bed am I?

jesi says:

that is ur choice

Martin Darkwolf says:

do you need me now?

jesi says:

i need a new brain i do believe this one is about to crash

jesi says:

boom explode

Martin Darkwolf says:

lol...say the word and put on a pot of coffee

jesi says:

but u , u have to wk and i know u will not be able to function if u do not sleep so i want u to take care of urself

Martin Darkwolf says:

we are moving work stations so I do have to be there in the morning

jesi says:

c so u need sleep

Martin Darkwolf says:

can we back burner this till after work

jesi says:

my temper is wild and crazy but as the psychs say short lived by then i will probably just tell u not to worry about it

Martin Darkwolf says:

just send me the letter as soon as it is done...I will read it at work, ok

jesi says:

u do not need that at wk

Martin Darkwolf says:

ok send it here and I will read it as soon as I get home

jesi says:

that would be a better idea

jesi says:

if i decide to send once it is done

jesi says:

i may just use it as a release

Martin Darkwolf says:

ok...I am starting to fade, so either tell to go make coffee or send me to bed

jesi says:

u may go my love i'll probably be here when u wake up

Martin Darkwolf says:

get some rest please

jesi says:

when i can no longer hold my eyes open i will

Martin Darkwolf says:

ok fair enough

jesi says:

i'm on the couch tonight he and 3 kids r n my bed

Martin Darkwolf says:

ok blow me a kiss

Martin Darkwolf says:

and what was the other thing I asked for

Martin Darkwolf says:

atleast flippen laugh...I am trying to be cute

jesi says:

yes u r cute, but i just have too much going thru my crazy head that i can not even think of laughter right now so scoot on to bed and think good things morning comes earley

Martin Darkwolf says:

I love you

jesi says:

i love u

jesi says:

always

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