How do you put PAIN into words without sounding like a whimpering idiot?

A year ago all I could think about is when David would get out and what my life would hold then. I never believed anyone could ever compare to him then recently I met a wonderful man. A man who made me feel extremely special in every way. He is incredibly intelligent, extremely gorgeous, and has piercing eyes that seemed to see through my soul. I tried to fight temptation. I tried to pretend I wasn�t developing feelings for him. I tried to deny those feelings even when I knew they had surfaced. But there was something about him, something that made me whole. Something that made me feel special. I began to allow hope to enter my heart. A hope that one day this man would feel the same about me� and I was beginning to think he was. No I am not saying that he doesn�t.

What I am saying is that his whole world is spinning out of control. You see his x-wife has accepted a job 400 miles away and she will be moving around June 1st. This would mean a separation between him and his children. Now this is a wonderfully loving father. A man who spends most his free time with his kids. He plays with them, laughs with them, and enjoys every second he has with them. He loves them with everything in him.

I know that he would never ever be happy with such distance between he and them. I know that he would lose the life that shines in his eyes. And I could never come between that.

He has a hard decision to make. He must chose to either move closer to them or stay here and peruse his college and career and his relationship with me. I believe I already know where this tale is headed. I already feel the loss associated with it. I know he will go. I know that I cannot compete with his needs to be close to the kids. Yet I know I can not drag my children away from their new family. By that I mean the friends they have adopted over the last two years.

I have school. I just applied to The University of Washington. I have dreams I must follow as well� Oh what am I to do?

Sat. Mike left. I was sad at first but grateful at the same time. Life had been really awkward between us. I knew I deserved better and the way my relationship was progressing with �L� I figured it was leading to a better future. For once I actually thought that I might get lucky and feel the love that I have sought my entire life. Now it feels like an illusion.

I could never fault him for leaving. I�m not like that at all. I believe love wishes the best for the person no matter how it affects you. So right now I am sad and full of pain. It�s normal. And I know that no matter what happens I have to continue. It�s not easy� and right now I am fighting sleep. I just know that the nightmares will begin again. And I don�t want to face them�

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