I spent the entire day yesterday crying and at times screaming because I still do not understand. I know he explained everything he could and a lot of his worries are justified but after being dropped off I realized something. Maybe I should have spoken my mind, however that is one of my weaknesses. I don�t always know how to say things when I am facing heart ache.�

looking back, the words he said, keep replaying over and over in my mind. he said that Star isn�t exactly the type of person he wants around his kids especially Elizabeth. Yes I realize that Star can be a handful but then I told him that months ago and he told me that there wasn�t anything she could do to run him off. I believe my words back then was �we shall see.�� Now look where we are...�

What he never knew was that Star suffers from abandonment issues and that she has spent the past few years trying to push everyone away because she believes that no one cares and that no matter what she does people leave. Starla isn�t as bad of a child as most people think. She is desperate for love and affection. She acts out to get it and usually gets attention one way or another. Starla has had her rough moments but she has been my rock through the painful relationships. She has been the one to take control when I have failed to meet the standards. (She will again face this task as I try to heal) The child that no one wants around has been the one thing that has kept me going for years.�

I realize that she has problems. I realize that she has authority issues, school issues and all the other typical teenage issues that go along with it. But, when I met him, I thought I had met her match. I believed that if anyone could break her down it would be him. He seemed like the type of man who could be firm without cold, harsh, criticism, and abuse. I thought that in time he would be capable of loving enough to bond with her the way that a � family� man would do. To repeat something I said before, I have never sought a father for these kids but, he seemed like a positive male role model, which is something she has never had. Sadly,� it didn�t happen because he decided that it wasn�t worth trying.�

I guess that is what bothers me the most. Star may have negative qualities but he has over looked one thing; the type of role model that he is choosing. At least with Star you can chalk the problems up as adolescence. What do you call a stepparent like Alex? What do you think that Alex will show his children? I can tell you what I think. �

1. With alex�s psychological problems, she will teach his children a negative way of dealing with anxiety, depression and day to day life.
2. �Alex is a bi-polar individual she desperately needs medication to ease the symptoms but instead she smokes marijuana. (he told me that himself). Therefore she will teach his children that illegal drugs are the most effective medicine.
3. �He has spent time trying to teach Elizabeth to properly care for the husky (I think that's the type of dog) that she wanted. How do he expect the child to take responsibility for her animals when Alex often neglects her own.
4. The way Alex treats him is another issue that he should have thought about. You see, children tend to copy what they see. If she sees Alex mistreat him, if she sees the arguments and abusive nature then she too could very well grow up to be a lot like Alex.
5. Then there is the home. If Alex isn�t taking care of the home, isn�t preparing proper meals, and isn�t being a motherly figure then how does he expect Elizabeth to gain those skills.

I�m sure that I have over looked many things in this short list but from what I can see Alex will teach his son/daughter to ignore medical advice, do drugs to self medicate, treat their spouse w/ disrespect, and neglect their animals and their home. In return she will teach his son to accept abuse (after all his father does�), and both the kids will become affected by her life style. Basically, in a child�s eyes, IF Alex is an adult and acts this way then the children will grow to believe that this is what adults do.�

Maybe he thinks that the kids won�t notice. Or that they won�t sense the animosity between he and Alex. But I know from experiance that children know and from what Jen stated last night, Elizabeth has already said that she doesn�t like Alex. If I understand it correctly then there are many witnesses including Chris, Mark, Jenny and one of the boys. IF this is true then Elizabeth has already been affected. (I would have told him this yesterday but I didn�t know). I do not want to be seen as the bitter one here sooooo� I suggested that he talk to Elizabeth to find out how she feels. If it is true then he should really think about what he is doing.�

While he is at it, I also think he should refer himself to a Lawyer because I don't think that with Alex�s history he would get custody as long as he is with her. The medical/ emotional issues (I know someone in Washington who cant have custody of her kids because of emotional issues) topped off by the fact that Chris knows that Alex smokes marijuana and couldn�t pass a drug test would make a difference. (I know I would pull the card if I thought it gave me leverage) I just want him to cover all the bases, I�ve been through too many custody battles not to know what to expect.�

Even w/ the new thoughts, his decision has been made, he must live w/ it and I am left to pick up the pieces of my heart. I am not going to beg but what I did do is tell him this: Unconditional love does not stop when one�s heart is broken. For me love isn�t a choice or I would never have allowed it to happen. Therefore, I want him to know that I still love him and hope that the negativity that he faces in the future will be less than expected. I want him happy; If he could have just placed his belief in me, like I did him, then it wouldn�t have been a problem.