"The Worst Day Of My Life"
2005-07-26
8:00 p.m.
Today I had Mr Golden take me back to the place where we shared our 1st date. I
sat quietly in his car as we drove down the streets. When he reached over and
asked to hold my hand my mind began to ease but that was a false since of
security. We kissed over and over as we walked along the trail. After we reached
the little bridge, he reached in his pocket and pulled out a beautiful handmade Indian
necklace and stated that he had wanted to give it to me for a long time. Then, he looked me in the eyes and told me he loved me.
Maybe I should have allowed the the happiness to continue but we were there for
a reason so I said, "If u love me, talk to me". He said, he didn't want to...
I said, "just do it.... I know, just do it." That's when he said the
words that shattered my soul.�
�he said that it hadn't been an easy decision but that on paper she was his best
choice in order to get his kids. I couldn't fight the tears. In return, neither
could he. Between the two of us, we spent the next hour crying. I told him
everything that I had thought about last night and then told him he could leave
when ever he wanted but that I wasn't going with him that I would walk.� I made him leave me in
those woods. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I wanted to beg and scream his
name until he couldn't hear me any more but instead I said, " IF you can
walk the trail (15 min) back to the car and drive all the way home without
turning around then go." I stayed at the bridge, carved I will love you forever
Lincoln. love, jesilyn on one side of the bridge, and Jesilyn & Lincoln 9-18-04 to
7-26-05 "he took my heart here and broke my heart here on 7-26-05"..... on the other side of the bridge
then I walked the trail in tears all the way back to the street...�
As I reached the top of the hill, I seen him. My heart skipped a beat. It was
a sign. I asked him what he was doing wandering around up there. he claimed he
got lost getting back to the street but I still believe that he was
contemplating coming back and now I regret not staying at the bridge. I walked
the rest of the way to the street w/ him. I asked him if he thought getting lost
was a sign that he was making a mistake. he basically said that his mind was
made up. Again he took me in his arms and we cried. I lost my strength and began
to beg him not to do this. It's obvious that he loves me and I him that we could
make it work and get his children. that's when he pulled away, raced accrossed
the street and left. In return, I began to walk , 3 miles, home. Once there, I
gathered all the items he had gotten me along with all the picture frames I had
of us together and him alone then wrote the following note:
Mr.
Golden Sir�
�
As
I stood crying and cursing the gods and asking them what I did to
deserve this I used my knife to carve things into the bridge. I watched
and prayed that you would turn around. After I had finished carving and
had turned around a few times I finally got the courage to walk back up
the trail. When I seen you walking through the weeds I thought that
maybe you had reconsidered and my prayers had been answered but that was
not the case. Despite the love we share you just couldn�t change your
mind. Afterwards, the walk home gave me a lot of time to think. As I
walked I kept feeling my pocket and thinking to myself that I did not
deserve such a precious gift. The farther I walked the more I realized
that it wasn�t that I didn�t deserve it, it was that it was wrong of
me to accept it. As much as I love you and would like to have trinkets
to hold on to, I know in my heart that it is wrong. I am not a material
person and my love for you surpasses any material item you could ever
offer me. It is my belief that the time we shared is best kept alive
inside the most safest place; my heart. Therefore I feel the need to not
only return the gorgeous necklace but the rest of the items as well.
Please do not think that by returning the material items that I am also
relinquishing my love for you because I would never do that. What I am
doing is allowing you to keep what I feel is rightfully yours. After
all� I have everything that I am �allowed� to have. I have the
memories, the detailed story, and the tattoos that were inspired by my
love for you� unlike material items that weather, get lost or lose
value; no one can take love away from me� You see:
The
1st thing that I must return is the flower you drew on our 1st
date� it has lived in my checkbook for the past ten months� I know
it may not have seemed like much to you but it meant the world to me�
I love hand made gifts and well� you made it especially for me. On
that same day you not only showed me interest as a human being instead
of a sexual toy you stole my heart. That little drawing was the
beginning of my emotional bonding. Please keep it along with the tickets
from the night that you took me to see Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
in your wallet pull it out now and then and remember those moments and
the feelings that you had during those moments.
When
you gave me the woody woodpecker and you told me you were jealous of him
because he would get to sleep with be. You were right he did, but he
never for filled my need to feel your arms around me every night as I
cried myself to sleep. Without you here in my life his presence is
simply materialistic. (Basically he was a placeholder and since you do
not wish to share that place he signifies a void left behind.) Give him
to one of the kids� That would make them smile therefore making you
smile.
The
photos are print outs of the ones that I have cherished. They once sat
on my mantel and on my in table beside my bed. (I have copies on my pc)
I believe you should take them with you because the fact is that your
face will forever walk my dreams as I long to change the past. For you I
hope that they will remind you of the love we shared and the smile that
being together placed on your face.
As
for the dream catcher, it holds my dreams (it represents all the times I
prayed for a future with you and all the times I secretly begged the
gods to make you a permanent fixture in my life.) and therefore should
reside with you as well�Place it on your car mirror and let it remind
you that someone will always love you.
Then,
there is the painting, my favorite gift that still holds the ribbons,
but no longer helps me to hang on. It represents a belief that I once
thought we shared. I no longer have the power to believe in our future
because you gave up on believing in me. (IF you believed in me you would
have believed that together we could manage any task including gaining
custody of your children instead of deciding to go with a woman that
could offer you only material items instead of a loving relationship.)
With
that I am going to close this letter. I am not going to waste the time
begging again but I will say this: should you change your mind before
you move, you can always get in touch with me. If not, again I say I
love you and hope that your dreams come true.
�
Love
Always,
������ Jesilyn
� |
�
I drove over to the trailer. I had Karin jump out, place the material items on the porch, ring the
doorbell, and run back to the car where I spun off....
Today will easily go down as the worst day of my life. How else do you describe
it when a man tells you he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life w/
her but then says that a woman he doesn't love looks better on paper?
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About Me:
My name is
Jesilyn. I'm a forty year old mysterious spirit. I have survived the
depths of poverty; experienced the wrath of wealth, studied psychology
& several religions, evolved from a jagged family background where I
suffered the hands of abuse, and now I stare life�s challenges in the
eye.
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Quotes
"The glass isn't half full or
half empty. It simply needs a little ice."
"I maybe the queen of broken
hearts but I don't stand behind the crown"
"If your ever going to see a
rainbow you've got to stand a little rain."
"Good things come to those
who wait."
"Life is what you make
it."
"When life gives you lemons:
Make lemonade!"
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