It�s now been ten months since
I 1st took the first walk in the woods w/ Mr. Golden. During those moments he
managed to spark a fire in my soul. I would have never dreamt that we would
share so much in common. Over the next few weeks he intensified those emotions
creating an intimate connection that I began to pray would last eternally. I
grew to love him and shortly after I realized that I was falling in love with
him and no matter what I told myself, I couldn�t simply walk away. The days
turned into weeks and the weeks into months until there we were approaching our
one-year mark, which is where the emotional crisis began.�

A month or so ago, he came to me with the intentions of
either calling things off or moving into the next stage. It was a confusing
moment but, he chose to move forward; at least that is what I understood him to
be doing. he told me how he felt when we were together and how he feel when we
are apart. he told me that of all his options, I am the only woman he desired to
spend the rest of his life with. he told me that day that if that description
describes love than YES he loves me. �

At that moment, nothing could
have ever made me happier. Then he started talking about commitments. Maybe it
was the heat of the moment, but I cherished those words. Mind him, I am in no
rush to get married again, but the fact that he would even say such a thing
about commitment, made me feel a sense of security. But time has caused that
security to fade and insecurity to step in. I�ve begun to feel like a
mushroom. Sometimes even wondering if he understands how much I am offering him.
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You see� I have spent the past
ten months listening to him complain about Alex (the woman he shared his house
with) and his current life style. I have sat, almost addictively, and listened
to his dreams and desires. (Again, I will say that I never would have expected
that we would have so much in common.) He told me that Alex is by no means the
woman he wishes to spend the rest of his life with and yet I constantly feel
like I am playing second field to her. �

Please don�t get me wrong, I
understand that he does not wish to create chaos, that he is still on positive
terms w/ her and that he is probably just trying to keep everyone happy, but,
Let�s face it a person can�t be everything for everyone and he is going to
have to chose eventually. ��

I love Lincoln so much and . I
have spent countless evenings unable to sleep, wanting nothing more than to hear
his voice, but the phone never rings. I spent days dreaming of sharing my life
with him, which often means neglecting the things that I should be doing (Like
school work). This line of thinking ends up turning into a mode of depression
because reality takes hold and I realize that it may all be nothing more than
pipe dreams. That�s when I begin to get frustrated.

I weigh out the positive and
negative aspects of his options and can�t begin to understand why things are
so difficult. Let me put it this way; I imagine a scale. Below him will find the
results of that scale:

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Since each side of the scale
tilts one direction, I really do not understand why he would hold on to a
relationship that has impacted his life in such a negative way when he has a
chance to better himself. �

For weeks I have fought the urge
to demand explanations (even though I deserve it). I have sat by the way side
and waited patiently because he has kept telling me things will get better. Each
time, something else comes up and I am pushed away. I have cried more tears than
I care to admit and yet I am still no more enlightened than I was a month ago.
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How much longer am I to wait
before giving up? �

Does he wish for me to give up?
(he has yet to answer that question and I have asked it in every way that I know
how.)�

Before he left he told me he
planned to be back by the following weekend. He said that we would reschedule
our plans w/ the kids. That was nine days ago and I haven�t heard from him
since. Then, Finding out that he had been suspended/Fired from his job leads me
to believe that he is planning to move to Spokane w/ Alex and has decided to let
everything here go. I mean, why else would he jeopardize his only source of
income?�

If that wasn�t bad enough,
when I came by his house yesterday and Wart was staring out the windows I became
very concerned. From the parking area I could smell the scent of the animals and
all I could imagine was the animal control getting calls about neglected
animals. (If that happened they would not only take the animals and fine him the
homeowner but they could arrest him for it as well.)�

By this morning, after not being
able to sleep, I decided I had no choice. If I was going to sooth my concerns, I
had to figure out a way to get in without getting bit and without letting the
dogs out. I carefully planned my agenda. I went to the store, purchased the
cleaning supplies, heated some teriyaki chicken and drove over there. As
frightened as I was, I moved the glass. After a few bites, Wart was putty in my
hands. I secured the dogs and began cleaning the mess. NO I do not want him to
be ashamed and I am praying that he will not be upset with me. �

For the record, I
did not enter the bedroom because it was blocked off, and I didn�t enter the
back room because that is the snake room and I felt weird going back there. But,
I did clean the kitchen, hall, & living room oh�and the bath was done. I
left all the change I found either in the frying pan under the table or on the
counter of the kitchen. I didn�t touch the boxes, the computer area or the
dining room because I figured it was Alex�s stuff and I didn�t feel
comfortable. �

I only had his best
interest at heart. I would never do anything intentionally to piss him off. I
only wanted to show him how much I love him and that I care about his home and
animals. (Part of me cursed her for allowing it to be like this. I could never
allow my animals to be left unattended for that long)�

He deserves
better than his current situation. As I stated many times before, I would give him
the world; but the choice is his. He is the one who will have to live with the
decision. Sure, I would be devastated and yes it would take time for me to heal.
But in my opinion it�s him that would be the one living with the knowledge
that he chose to move in with Alex (a woman he obviously isn�t happy with)
instead of taking a chance on me (a woman who would give him my all).�

I guess you can
say that: Over all, I am terrified that he is going to disappear without an
explanation or good-bye. I hope that isn�t something he would do. But incase
it is, I now know that I did and said everything I could. I followed my heart
despite the possibility of it getting broke AGAIN. All I can do now is hope that
he will use those words as a stepping-stone, in order to make a decision that he
can live with because I wish nothing but his utmost happiness.

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