well......here we are again...should I really tell u how i feel....

yah.i guess i should..he and I just went to counseling.yah this crazy bitch goes to counseling.I have been trying like hell to fix this relationship.u know give 120% that way if it fails it's not my fault.. all he wasn'ts to talk about is staying w/ me long enough to have his kids and the move out...

who cares how I feel or how bad it is hurting me....I know u would think I have a choice but my morals keep me from hurting the children that I love... anything for a child.thats me..I give up everything for a child's security.... I hate feeling used but that is what I am allowing to happen right now.....for the kids no other reason....I already know he is a big looser and that I'll do better when I'm over him and the hell he puts me through....

I am trying to take life in stride..look harder for my rainbow and push the hurt away..hide in my own world and maybe pretend that this ain't happening. after all right now I have no choice..it's a real mess . I don't think I am doing this in vain because of the kids..they need not suffer for something that is their fathers fault........

One day that man will look back and know what a mistake he has made...and when he looks for me i'll be gone...yep I know myself enough to know that I am leaving this state and all the pain it has caused....Get as far away from him as I can....

don't ask me where I'm going because right now I don't know...I would fall face first for a man who showed me attention, respect and affection.I'm very vornable right now ( HOWEVER U SPELL IT I KNOW WHAT I"M SAYING) In side I am dieing and yet I am trying to survive the best way I know how.... No I don't want just any man I have morals and there is a limit to what I'm looking for....I can't just take the first thing that comes along....... This is a fight inside myself..one that I will do my best to battle....

I know I am alone in this fight....I know that no one is gonna pick me up and dust me off...I know that I must find strength from inside myself...c- I'm not stupid I know what needs to be done...It's just finding the courage to rebuild again....

I refuse to let the bastard get the best of me......JESILYN STAND UP TALL FOCUS AND DON"T LET HIM GET THE BETTER OF U....

YEP THAT IS WHAT I'M TELLING MYSELF.... but, now I need to listen to my own speaches hold on tight to my dignaty until this is over....

with trust in a higher power...........

Jesilyn

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