The last entry was written in the middle of a battle email fight between me and my dad...even though contact with him is probably senceless it is like this he is still my father and I will always love him.but this time he has finially broken the camels back..any way I decided to publish a copy of the emails in here not only so people will c what I am dealing with but also to help release the ghost that haunts my attic. I know that keeping things inside is not healthy and a friend of mine just said it ever so clear..jesi tell him the truth will set him free.....well I know my dad so instead I am telling the truth in here and setting myself free.......NO MORE CHAINS!!!!!!!!

(here it goes the conversation..remember these werte emails)

(dad says)well financially things are great but my relationship with tra i think is on it's last legs.i may be out of here before long.there is just no chemistry there any more

(jesi says)what is going on..u hav been together for so long....

if ur still on come to yahoo....

(dad says) i am sorry i am on but i am not in the mood to talk to no one,i am on here to get my mind off things,we can talk later if you want but not tonite

(Jesi says)well fine then....I was just trying to figure out what

is going on, what ur plans are and where u think u

might go..... after all u r my father and I do wonder

about ur existance..sorry if i seem pushy but hell

when I sit and c u and tra falling apart I tend to

wonder why.....after all it has been what 13-14

years..I don't know?????? mind ur own buisness jesilyn...

all I know is that I never catch u on line I only know

if u r dead or alive bcause u send jokes...

tra never talks to me....never mind forget it

hope u feel better soon....I love you

(dad says)sis,things between tra and i are not good right now and i have not been talking to no one,not even her,i havn't even spoken to her in almost 2 days and we work together,she is in bed right now and i am not because i refuse to even sleep with her,so you see there is too much going on for me to even begin to go online much,just try to understand

(jesi says)look daddy I understand to well.... what the hell do u

think i'm still awake for..I stay up all night to stay

away from ronnie... he sleeps nights and I days..so we

don't touch.any time we r both awake we r seperate.him

in his tv me in my pc.depression over welms u I

understand that....and lord knows what all the kids in

the middle think about it.either way it sux.

its even worse when u have no one to turn to..no one

who cares...i want u to know that damn it I care.....u

can turn ur back on everyone and trap urself in it

thats fine...but I know at 28 that it's not healthy..

after all if u can't turn to family then why have them

at all....god I hope I learn how to break this dirty

cycle before my kids learn to push family away..

I am not putting u down, I just feel alittle on the

abandoned side and needless to say it's times like

this I wish mom was still around.

u know tra always thought I was jelouse, but I

wasn't..I never wanted those kids to feel the heart

ache of being alone.wondering why the powers that b

dished them a fucked up life... I wanted them to grow

up with all the comforts that I never had... a

family......

so It hurts to know that it's falling apart... and

that I am not allowed to b apart...

I don't wanna wait to c them until they r 25 like i

did christy....u are probably pissed at me by now.and maybe u have a

right to b...but if I learned one thing from u it was

to speak ur mind and right now my mind is feeling

pretty god damn crazy...Not to say ur's aint...

I could have talked about anything.I too was trying to

take my mind off my life...pc land seems much nicer

than real life these days.at least some one pays

attention...anyway I will close for gods sake keep me

informed......I hate feeling like a mushroom all the

time......love u,

(dad says) look jesi,it is like this,i keep you at arms distance away because of the trust factor.you tried to destroy me once and i can't forget it.the bottom line is i don't trust you any more.i am sorry but you did it,and for self preservation,i have to keep my distance from you ,sorry but that is the way it is.things can never be the same,so life goes on.

(Jesi says) Ok u opened these doors not me so I will speak my mind and then be gone... U claim that I tried to wreck u're life..hum.....(I think to myself) I tried to wreck ur life..First of all I didn't ask to be brought into this world..second of all u were a grown man who left me as a young child and for years I didn't know where u were, second it was you who came and went until one day I followed u're lead and moved in w/ u in hopes to better my life...It was u who turned a 12 yr old to drugs, and allowed me to play like I was an adult.. It was you who thought that doing the other things were ok. it was because u weren't capible of being a parent to me that I quit school.after all every time I would start a school u moved me.. It was you that thought that marring off a 14 year old child was some how logical.. It was you that turned your back in fear that I would tell again all the crazy stupid things u did to me in the name of satanism...so......don't u dare say that I tried to ruin ur life because you had your own life ruined from the start.. I have tried to put the past behind me, remember that u are my father and u gave me life..but, for some reasson u feel it nessacary to push me off..that is perfectly fine.I don't need a father like that any way.... Just remember that I tried for years to rebuild this part of my family. and by all means I don't trust u either but, I still have made an effort to be a part of u're life.....I don't think that I should continue to hurt my self hopeing that u will ever change... As far as u and tracey goes.I hope for nikki and jamies sake you have learned to b a dad..and not walk away from them.. Please don't respond to my letter..for I have nothing else to say to u about it ..I am finished trying....have a nice life and by all means..don't send the jokes I delete most of them anyway....... I am not about to lower myself and go back to blaming myself I learned.thats what counseling has done for me..I was a kid and adults were in control.. there my peace is said, again have a good one I hope u fix your life...

Glad to get that outta my system

JESILYN

P.S. SURVIVING RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

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