Today I am evaluating Jesilyn and the woman she has become. Living with co-dependancy is an on going battel and for today I am going out for the clear picture.

I know that I have an exceptionally hard time dealing with pain. I tend to hide it, deny it, and over exert to deaden it. My journey through life has been full of sharp, curvey roads, and severely steep mountains. not to mention the long road blocks..

I am a harsh self cridic who tends to punish myself when I don't messure up to self expectations. Don't get me wrong I know i have a good heart and I am fully capible of loving unconditionally, and being loved in the same manner. But to complain about my hardship makes me feel like a whiner, this being a trait i so dearly hate.

I repress pain. the pain I know stems back for years. It can only be identified as a missing element. Childhood was not a luxuary that I was given..I grew up almost over night and without guidence. Wrasteling with these deamons has helped me to understand pain. I am forever learning to understand the impact this pain has had on my life and my behavior.

When things go wrong I become heartbroken,and disillusional. I throw myself into fantasy and I disassociate myself from my surroundings.typical of a surviver. which is where control comes in but, hay I feel control is an illusion that only the Gods possess. I burdon myself with trying to gain control over my life.but in trying to make this happen I commit to causes that tend to weeken me...perfect houses, and one sided relationships are my weeknesses.

I am a natural stand by your man, loyalty without question for better or worse.I seek companionship and respect but seldom find it. I become attracted to a great guy, fall in love with him, then one day he sprouts horns and is no longer the prince but dr. death instead.draining me of my dignaty, my self worth and my inspiration..turning my love into a sad sick dance where the music has no glory.

I have learned to identify the traits of co-dependancy but to to release myself from the chains is alot more difficult. I feel obligated to posess positive views, consuming my blame. Deep inside I feel I should have made wiser discissions, somehow I should have been smarter.Yes it is sad but true I am harsh on myself,but, I am forever changing inside.

Lately I have opened my eyes and although broken my heart carrys on. So I am still holding my confidence. This confidence is helping me to find the will to stand alone and also speak out to the world. I know that this will give me a personal freedom, and it tis a freedom that I cherrish.

Discovering who you are internally and emotionally is a hard task, and a learning experiance all of its own.Pain is my teacher, maybe the teacher that I secrately need.for I have the tendancy to learn my lessons the hard way. But pain is a gift of healing and hope and I will use it as a bridge until I suscessfully cross the river I call life. for once I get to the otherside there will be grass of green and a pond of of bueatiful blue water. Thank you!

JESILYN

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