I sit here wondering if I am actually capible of writing about the pain I am feeling right now. I sit feeling like a broken toy cast aside unwanted by the one who once brought me such joy... I am insulted and neglected and very imbarrassed about the situation...

for months now ( 9 1/2 to be exact) my boyfriend has failed to show even the slightest interest in me sexually. he always has an excuse.even when he does manage to make an attempt his only interest is in either a hand job or being given oral pleasure...he seems totally uninterested in making love to me...thus making it am emotional heart break for me...

There is two sides of me the co-dependant soul who has the desire to make things work, the one who loves him for the man he was, the one who desparately wants things to return to normal....and then there is the woman with needs that is begging for passion, craving satisfaction, and looking for forfillment...

I am torn between both worlds...

Do I seek sexual forfill ment else where which may only increase the dirty feelings within me...being satisfied for only a moment in time..do I induldge in fantasy activitys with a new lover. Do I dare chance feeling evil and unworthy as so many times before...

Haven't I given him every oppertunity to change, havent I tried to be what he wants...haven't I crushed my heart without mercy to prove my love..

I do not understand why I hang on???????

tonight I went to bed, at almost 4:30 am I mind you, crawled in bed...wrapped my arms around him kissed his shoulder as I do everynight whispering I love you always.....

with in moments he rolled over..proceeded to start a sexual encounter placing my hand on his love muscel. for almost 40 minuets I did what he wanted...he became hard but never got off...I refused to give him the oral tonight for I know if I do I definately will not get what I want...

after awhile I became frustrated by then realizing he was doing it again. (falling asleep)

he had smoked 3 cigeretts and hadn't touched me even once...I stopped told him I could not go on..got up went to the bathroom by then in tears and then returned...facing him with the issue...

his words to me...I am tired I am not going to fight with you about this tonight...and he rolled over and went to sleep....how could he???? he was into it...he just turned it off when he realized he wasn't gonna get his way....EWWWWWWW!!!! I am so mad...

Why am I so stupid????? I know why...I can't afford to leave, and if I did I have no where to go....life is cruel....survival is all I know but even at that I am so lonley almost wonder why I even try...I am beginning to wonder if my life has been jaded...has someone somewhere deemed me unworthy of love and affection....will I die alone and empty?????

I do appologize But I had to write about this...for if anyone else out there has suffered this or is suffering this they need to know that their shame and pain is not a isolated thing...and by all means if someone has the answers to change this tell me...u know how....

JESILYN

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