(conversation between my darkprince and I 5-26-01)

blazing_angel_73: u arent going to do this r u

blazing_angel_73: please??????????????

darkwolf72: I can not handle being so close yet being torn apart again, I am now and will always be your friend. BUt I am very close to doing things that I will never be able to reconcile with myself. I love you but are paths must be seperate this time.

blazing_angel_73: what do u think u are going to do?

blazing_angel_73: talk to me please don't shut me out

darkwolf72: My path is clear, I know how my life is to bed played out, for good or bad I have to make a difference, and that differnce is to be made here and now with those that I have here, I want you to be a part of this as an equal, and as I said I can force it, but I am chose not to...If I am to ever have you again it must be on my terms and of your own free will.

blazing_angel_73: I have also allowed myself to slip in to the could have would have should have senerios.....i have placed myself in direct fire and i can feel it.... i am terribly shaken with discissions that i can not make and the desire to be with you. I have experianced your closeness again and want the love you offer but you don't understand. and because u don't u are leaving me sitting here alone to deal what we both started........

blazing_angel_73: fighting tears and pretending evrything is fine........ wishing there was a cure all pill to heal the pain.

blazing_angel_73: i could show u i do not lie

darkwolf72: What we have shared these past two days has helped me to heal many of the old wounds, it has given me an insight as to what had been done to me, now you have my love again, ad my friedship, I am just fighting back a part of me the wants to control and rule

blazing_angel_73: as i wip the tears that r now streaming down i find myself wishing i could just give in. i can't and it hurts...... all reliving my past did for me was make me want what i still can't have.......

blazing_angel_73: a life that moved on without me and built a new.....

darkwolf72: I want we had started to build those many years ago, my witch beside me strong and sure and able to take on the world before we were subverted by a snake, I want that strenght and power we had to be added to what I have now, I do not like the Idea that you have turned back, I wish you had found the path that I now walk.

blazing_angel_73: she is a very lucky lady i wish i could compete

darkwolf72: there is now competition between equals, she is everything you were, only Wiccan instead of satanic...

darkwolf72: no not now

blazing_angel_73: i dont want u to walk away now not until i can breath

darkwolf72: I am here, I should not have left and I am sorry, I am just a bit scared of what I am feeling

blazing_angel_73: my child is asking questions that i cant answer be cause she would never understand

darkwolf72: Rage with me has always been the hardest to control

blazing_angel_73: she dont know what we were and i hope she dont find out tooo soon

darkwolf72: she needs to know and to know the truth of what we ARE

blazing_angel_73: i know rage i feel rage rage for a life i can not have rage for someone i do not know, rage for the fear i can not dealwith

darkwolf72: we are witches, and it is our choice which path to walk, I have found my way to the light and I wait for you

blazing_angel_73: sweet heart i have light i know who i am but that does not make me want u ant less nor does it stop the pain.......

blazing_angel_73: why didn't u answer the phone u knew it was me?

blazing_angel_73: u stood there and watched it ring

darkwolf72: yes I new it was you and I could not pick up, I was raging almost out of control

blazing_angel_73: ok i can except your beliefs

darkwolf72: please do me a favor

blazing_angel_73: what

darkwolf72: read a couple of books for me

blazing_angel_73: if i can u myst understand i live in a southern babtist town

darkwolf72: we are there as well

blazing_angel_73: a very small southern babtist town

blazing_angel_73: ill make u a deal

darkwolf72: read "To Ride A Silverbroom Stick" by Silver RavenWolf

darkwolf72: what deal

blazing_angel_73: u send them , i'll read them

darkwolf72: ouch...ok make me work of that one...I will send you copies as soon as I can

blazing_angel_73: ok

blazing_angel_73: i will read as soon as u send

darkwolf72: lol

darkwolf72: so now where do we go from here

blazing_angel_73: it isn't that i'm against your religion i do believe i can live with that . you seek control and power I seek total commitment and romance.I can not except gaining a second woman. u know how jelous i am. not in the same house not in bed with u. I'm not that strong u could even call me weak. That bueatiful babys face staring at me brought tears to my eyes. I never realixed the feelings that i could feel if u did allow me in. I still want you but i know what that means

darkwolf72: "and I said well that the one thing we got"

blazing_angel_73: yes it is

blazing_angel_73: i almost showed u but i cant do that to u

darkwolf72: sorry that song has bee playing pretty much non stop...I am going to send you a new one

darkwolf72: oh do it

blazing_angel_73: here too

blazing_angel_73: no i cant

darkwolf72: please

blazing_angel_73: i will not ever let u c what itr looks like to c me cry again

darkwolf72: oh that, I still remember that, something I could not forget

blazing_angel_73: yes

blazing_angel_73: i wont let that happpen

blazing_angel_73: i just snapped a friends head of on here

blazing_angel_73: she knows what im doing and she can read me as well as u can

darkwolf72: opps..due to me?

blazing_angel_73: she is giving me hell

blazing_angel_73: for getting involved

darkwolf72: I am sorry

blazing_angel_73: its me

blazing_angel_73: its me

blazing_angel_73: i looked for u i found u i long for u i am not wanting to loose u again

blazing_angel_73: u cant touch her until u give in to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

darkwolf72: but if I give in to you, you won't let me have her

blazing_angel_73: i would ask is that so bad but i can not handel ur answer

darkwolf72: If I were different than I am..no, it would not be bad at all

blazing_angel_73: i know my greed probly sickens u but i am who i am and i want what i want i can live with anything except another woman

darkwolf72: are you getting the song?

blazing_angel_73: yes

blazing_angel_73: its still on its way

darkwolf72: I just do not understand jelousy

blazing_angel_73: what is it

blazing_angel_73: i think its greed

darkwolf72: "The Freshmen"

darkwolf72: by the verve pipe

darkwolf72: I do not understand greed either

blazing_angel_73: the only jelousy i have is that she has had u and i want u and she was lucky enough to be the mother of ur child and she can still have more there i said it r u happy

darkwolf72: I could be, but no I am not

blazing_angel_73: u could b what

darkwolf72: happy

blazing_angel_73: u just dont understand at all

darkwolf72: mostly I am clueless...I have developed a set of morals that I live by and now adays I can not understand the rest of this soceity

blazing_angel_73: clueless and maybe a little blind to my feelings or hers i dont know martin i just know i do not understand how i can feel about u after 13 yrs as i do and pore my heart out as i have i am upset that i have not been able to hide what should have been if only for the little ones sake. i can not c how these 5 kids would grow up with morals when their mothers share the same man

blazing_angel_73: i don't want my daughters going thru men and the unhappieness that ive felt. i do not want them to feel like sluts in the morning after a one night stand that left then feeling empty.I don't want to teach my son that wemon r objects and that u should have alot of them.

darkwolf72: Their veiw of the world would be more open, greed would be unknown to the, you seem to think that it is a one way street that I want to all these women to serve me, that is not it, I am not opposed to another man in the family, as long as all those in the family are just that...Family

blazing_angel_73: i don't know where u live , i don't know what u have, i know that i have fought hard for what i have and the thought of change scares the shit outta me

blazing_angel_73: even if i agreed u would turn to her and her opinion would rule leaving me in second place

blazing_angel_73: i want to b first choice not the fall back

darkwolf72: Change is not easy, but this world is rotting from it stagnation, change is a must...we change or we die and that is the truth behind every thing I have

darkwolf72: is the song done yet

blazing_angel_73: no

darkwolf72: ok

blazing_angel_73: 1/2

darkwolf72: got to love that dial up

blazing_angel_73: not as much as i love u!!!

blazing_angel_73: yes

darkwolf72: nice shot...you damn well that I love you

blazing_angel_73: i did not say u didn't

darkwolf72: but you doubt that love from me means anything now with my new out look on life and family

blazing_angel_73: i wonder if u could ever love me like u once did

blazing_angel_73: with the love u have now

darkwolf72: as I still do...the ideas that I live by had started back then, remember we wanted a coven, I lost sight of my ideas for a long while and tried to be what was expected of me...but it always just fell apart but too much was missing for me

blazing_angel_73: i wanted a family i did not want to share u

blazing_angel_73: i wanted power and love but i wanted to be your love

blazing_angel_73: i will have to listen to it later kids r rowdy

darkwolf72: I wanted all of us to be a family, each gining to all the other and getinng from everyone as well, I want us to love...but it was not meant to be then, or now I guess

blazing_angel_73: i would love to be a fly on the wall when u told her what u want

darkwolf72: we have already talked that part out a long time ago, the only unknown factor in talking to her about this is you...I am not sure how she will react to you

blazing_angel_73: yes because it would be your playmate not hers something she is not use to i would say

darkwolf72: if I get you to agree, then i start to bring the two of you together as friends to see if it can work at all, it is not something that can be done over night...it takes time

blazing_angel_73: i do not object to meeting her i would be polite but i can not agree blindly and it is a thing i really doubt i ever would

blazing_angel_73: i can't even imagine how you would work a thing like that

darkwolf72: I can only do this if you come in with the goal of being apart of this family...if it is possible, I will admit this is going to be hard because we have a past, Mary and I have been wanting to bring in others, but ones that niether of us have a past with

blazing_angel_73: i know i dont wanna see you sleep with another and i wont have an audence in that way i know we never cared b4 but this is differant. u werent fucking any one else but me that i knew of

darkwolf72: I had a past with Edie

blazing_angel_73: past= keyword

darkwolf72: but then again...who didn't

blazing_angel_73: not while with me . Right?

darkwolf72: right...I was not to the stage that I am now

blazing_angel_73: i know u about died when i messed up i didn't mean to i was young dumb and high..........

blazing_angel_73: u are also asking me to pull my kids 2000+ miles away fm their dad john lives here he has for over a year even though its a pain in my ass they deserve two loving parents

darkwolf72: I think the hardest part was that you went behind my back and did it...if you has came to me and "I real want this guy" I would have had no trouble with it

darkwolf72: I offer 3 loving parents

blazing_angel_73: baby thats just it i didnt i was stoned, i can not blame anyone else for that except my self but i got high i became needy and they were there not planned not intended just happen. i felt awful afterwards

darkwolf72: i know

blazing_angel_73: those r the only two times in my life as i sit and think about it that i didnt know a name....... and still don't

blazing_angel_73: now i live w/ that one

darkwolf72: right now I must say I hurt and I am alone...and I do not like this feeling

blazing_angel_73: i don't want u to hurt and i wish you were with me so u would not be alone

darkwolf72: last nigh tI did not feel this alone...but I guess now I relize you will not come to me...and it does hurt

blazing_angel_73: i know in a few days u will no longer b alone and u will not be here you will not have this time with me. u will probably hide this from her and i will be on the shelf waiting

darkwolf72: I have not been saving any of these...I am not in the habit of saving chat sesions

blazing_angel_73: well i have only as a peice of you that i can keep

blazing_angel_73: i dont normally

darkwolf72: she is the one that does most of the chating...I just play HalfLife and X-wing Vs. Tie Fighter

blazing_angel_73: he plays chess i type

blazing_angel_73: i hate that

darkwolf72: chess is not a game for the computer...chess should be played face to face..to much honor ion the game for the computer

blazing_angel_73: most the time he never touches my pc its mine

blazing_angel_73: i keep him away he dont even know how to read a disc

blazing_angel_73: i wont teach him

blazing_angel_73: i own what i buy

blazing_angel_73: but the x wife striped him of everything its not his fault the house the kids thirty thousand$

blazing_angel_73: he fears commitment and trust

darkwolf72: I own othing...I earn all the money but it means nothing to me, what we have belongs to us

blazing_angel_73: material idems dont mean as much as love to me i can get other belongings but love is something i always fail in and can not keep in my life

darkwolf72: love can be a fleeting thing

blazing_angel_73: i guess

blazing_angel_73: everytime i love i get burned

blazing_angel_73: love is like a rose

darkwolf72: I never meant to hurt you

blazing_angel_73: i know

darkwolf72: smells sweet but watch thos thorns

blazing_angel_73: i am not blaming u

blazing_angel_73: i blame me

blazing_angel_73: yah

blazing_angel_73: u would die if u could read my book

blazing_angel_73: i have 15 yrs of emotions joy pain fear and heart break all in writing

darkwolf72: let me ask you this...say I was not with Mary..I was free, and you called... I would have come, what would you have done with all that you have built there

blazing_angel_73: i would have had u come here help get a u haul and left

blazing_angel_73: did u really want to hear that

blazing_angel_73: I don't think u did

blazing_angel_73: i still would

blazing_angel_73: am i wrong for being honost

darkwolf72: why stay there with him if that life is worth so little

blazing_angel_73: because i am without choices that are exceptable to my heart

blazing_angel_73: i can not move i make little money i am tied down w/ 4 kids and i will not share a love

darkwolf72: so wait til a choice comes along that is worth keeping...he is not it, and perhaps I am not it for you either, but not keep him around, you are strong and do not need him...yes I am still worried about that

blazing_angel_73: i am not strong i use to sleep in the bathroom scared shitless in arkansas. i hated to go home at my trailer here i stayed awake knife in hand fearing the dark u just dont know

darkwolf72: then get your self to a place where you fell safe, do what it takes but get there...

blazing_angel_73: he is not physical the only damage he might do is drive me crazy but then i am. i am emotionally and sexually deprived but then ive been emotionally deprived my who life and being sexually deprived these days r better than being abused by sex

blazing_angel_73: lonlieness is my weakness and my greatest fear

blazing_angel_73: by the way i like the 1st song better it means alot to me

darkwolf72: I am with you, if not in flesh I know I am in your heart

blazing_angel_73: yes

darkwolf72: then do not be afraid

blazing_angel_73: and now i have alittle more of u to hold on to

darkwolf72: yeah but I do think freshmen describes what happened all to well

blazing_angel_73: maybe but i want to think of the other side

blazing_angel_73: i can relate to the words

darkwolf72: as do I, but I can not forget lest we fall again

blazing_angel_73: i can tell i failed to take my drugs today i can not get off the bottom. depression is my way of life but the pills help block the pain. i hate crying i hate to show this kind of weakness, i like to breath asnd it hurts to breath it feels like my chest is being ripped out

darkwolf72: I am sorry I hurt you today

blazing_angel_73: just dont mention it it again is not ur falt i know u have your ways and i know i probably will never have u again

blazing_angel_73: it is my weakness

darkwolf72: and my pain as well

blazing_angel_73: i dont want u to feel my pain i want to shelter u and hide it from you i dont want you to blame me if u do anything that u regret

darkwolf72: but you can hide nothing from me, have you not learned this

blazing_angel_73: but that is not cool

darkwolf72: who the fuck cares what is "cool", that is about the last damn thing I have cared about since I was 16

blazing_angel_73: figure of speach

darkwolf72: e

darkwolf72: a poor one

blazing_angel_73: i have a poem for u to read u'd like it

darkwolf72: ok

blazing_angel_73: let me find a disc that holds it

blazing_angel_73: i did not write this but its how i feel

darkwolf72: ok

blazing_angel_73: shit its not there let me find it

blazing_angel_73: ok if all else fails go to the soarce

darkwolf72: yup

blazing_angel_73: my best friend wrote it the same best friend that was just bitching me out earlier she trys to keep me strait

darkwolf72: I can not abide by "staight"...I like curves

blazing_angel_73: oh ull like this

blazing_angel_73: i like the other way it was printed better but that print is lost

blazing_angel_73: i just like it

darkwolf72: that was interesting

darkwolf72: but you are not dead yet

blazing_angel_73: but at times we feel dead

blazing_angel_73: i found the other one

blazing_angel_73: that sux

blazing_angel_73: i did heve it

darkwolf72: I am not sure what that feels like, I would assume it is to feel nothing but even at my worst there is still pain and I know that I am alive and can fight back

darkwolf72: I have not rolled over once since that day 13 years ago

blazing_angel_73: yes but first u must know howwwww to fight and u have to be willing to destroy whever is in your path this is something i can no longer do

blazing_angel_73: maybe that is whats wrong with me i lost my touch

blazing_angel_73: what ever it is it truely sux

darkwolf72: that happens, and then al you can do is fight like mad to get it back, you just can not stop

blazing_angel_73: what push you until u feel no choice but to run from me

blazing_angel_73: run further into the direction i want u away fm

darkwolf72: you do not have to destroy to fight, but sometime it is neccesary to protect yourself and your family

darkwolf72: no we have to find a ground to stand on that we both can live with, the fight was getting here, now we build

blazing_angel_73: i value what of u i have now why would i sacrafice that

darkwolf72: becuaes it can be more

blazing_angel_73: this is a very painful battel i have right now on one side is a man i love with passion and everything in me and on the other who i am and what i know about myself

blazing_angel_73: i feel like a tug of war rope

darkwolf72: have you ever broken a bone?

blazing_angel_73: along time ago

blazing_angel_73: i delt w/ it

darkwolf72: ok then you know that a the point of the break is incredible pain, the the bone knitts together and is stronger after the healing than before the break, pain is some time the teacher that shows us how to be stringer than we knew we could be

blazing_angel_73: i know u are probably right about that but i must feel this pain and i must learn to deal with it

darkwolf72: you must learn to get over it and to live again

blazing_angel_73: eventually one side has to win and one loose a compremise still will cause friction to over come

darkwolf72: si the life you have worth the pain and fear, is your god smiling on you?

blazing_angel_73: baby i know where that is going and i have had many blessing

darkwolf72: answer my question then

darkwolf72: be honest

blazing_angel_73: i am not happy with this situation nor the one i am in no

darkwolf72: then maybe you need look above your horizon for what there is for you

blazing_angel_73: i have been rising for 11 yrs

blazing_angel_73: life has gotten better

blazing_angel_73: i rose fm nothing to the home i have now

darkwolf72: Look I am not going to tell you to pack up and come out here, because first you need to learn to love you before you could love us, and I am not talking about sex at all, even if you we to be closer to us and be friends, before you handel that you would need to know you can stand on you own with no man to support you...I remember the fire you had when we meet, I will never believe is all out

darkwolf72: ronnie is a crutch to you,he is there because you dont know that life can go on with out one of those things sleeping in the next room

darkwolf72: are you stil there

blazing_angel_73: martin i dont want u to think ive not had happieness at all things just keep having major pit falls. i still have passion and i still have flames. i have learned to love me and except my past. i have come along ways. i am not irresponciple i have picked myself up everytime ive been brused and i continue to fight if that isnt fire i dont know what is. i have lived alone i hated it i can make it with out a mans finances i have i just do not want to deal with life with out a mate i enjoy men i love men i need men if only to please me. if i came there id take care of myself and my children i do not need help that way i run my own buisness. i need passion to keep my fire going!!!!!!!!

blazing_angel_73: yes

blazing_angel_73: now r we strait on that

darkwolf72: then I shall say no more on it, but remember I know more that you say

blazing_angel_73: i desire u in the name of love but i do not need the financial support and i need the physical and emotional support of a man strongenough to please me and make me feel secure

darkwolf72: I think you missed my point completely

darkwolf72: it was not the money I was talkig about, you are a complete person on your own and have no need of things like ronnie, do not get me wrong I have kept pets like him to amuse myself with, where is that amusment know?

blazing_angel_73: a man strong enough to deal with my past and who i am a man who will not hold back a man that cares how i feel a man that would walk thru fire to get to me. I need a man who will hold me when i cry and hug me when i laugh. i want a fool who believes in me as much as i will believe in him. i want a man who will give me respect and compassion.

blazing_angel_73: he once forfilled all these things

blazing_angel_73: like did u

blazing_angel_73: well not exactly like u

blazing_angel_73: he is no way in hell capible of giving me the fast track sexual experiances i crave.....

darkwolf72: I would have still, but I would not have stop growing and I think you are starting to see that, I still beleive in you, but you are looking for things outside yourself that need to come fromwithin. I never had a good relationship with anyone, untill I lerned to be happy by myself, to be able to draw on my own streenght and not need another around, when I was able to do that then I was ready to be with another, and to be an equal

blazing_angel_73: ok lets drop it it is clear this is one of those subjects that we disagree on

darkwolf72: fine

blazing_angel_73: good new subject

blazing_angel_73: any ideas

darkwolf72: nope

darkwolf72: kinda got my rage up

blazing_angel_73: i do not mean to piss u off

blazing_angel_73: i just feel like u are not understanding me and i dont know how to handel it

darkwolf72: I just want so much to take a hold of you and shape you into my own image...maybe in time you will thing as I do maybe you won't it is your choice and I can not make it for you

darkwolf72: I understand you all to well, I have been there

blazing_angel_73: if u love me why must u change me. isnt apart of love excepting who the person is....... i except you i know you are not gonna leave i regret that i love you more than i can prove because to prove would change who i am and make me weaker than i am

darkwolf72: why continue to make my mistakes when I already have done that, and I knoiw how to get out of, just be like me...oh wait that is just cloning of a different clour, may be I just need to let you live your life and be ready to help if you ask

blazing_angel_73: i came seeking , i found, i love, i loose, i want i cant, must that always be it

darkwolf72: until you learn the lesson of it, yes, you will repeat

blazing_angel_73: lessons are always differant yet the same in the long run i have learned many tough lessons in life. i am proud of my accomplishments and yet i am still searching

blazing_angel_73: i believe u call it being a student of life?

darkwolf72: and when does student become a teacher, being a student is only a good thing if you learn and move on, not run in a circle

blazing_angel_73: i love u , u know that

blazing_angel_73: even if our eyes don't meet

blazing_angel_73: love is a choice and one i have made

darkwolf72: yes I kow, that is why I am so frustrated by this...why I can not let go , if you did not love and i did not love you, I would just to hades with and let it go

darkwolf72: shit I can not type again

blazing_angel_73: i never ment to frustrate u.

darkwolf72: i know

blazing_angel_73: do u really know.

darkwolf72: yes, but it does not change the facts

blazing_angel_73: im sorry

blazing_angel_73: i have always been a challenge to u

darkwolf72: do not be, it is because I love you that I am in this state

blazing_angel_73: i dont want u in that state i want u here with me............ i couldn't resist that one

darkwolf72: lol

blazing_angel_73: don't hold it against me

darkwolf72: I got something better to hold against you...me

blazing_angel_73: yes u do but u won't

darkwolf72: not from this distance, why don't cum a little closer

blazing_angel_73: 2000 miles and lack of funds, another family and my lack of change

blazing_angel_73: yah cum there nope im not gonna finish that

darkwolf72: why not

blazing_angel_73: because u will be upset with me

darkwolf72: say it

blazing_angel_73: oops

blazing_angel_73: i gotta quit that

darkwolf72: opps what

blazing_angel_73: thinking things to make myself cry

darkwolf72: what

blazing_angel_73: cum there so u can still cum 4 her there i said it i dont feel any better

darkwolf72: sorry

blazing_angel_73: its me

blazing_angel_73: u can not help what i feel

blazing_angel_73: u can not change the way u feel

blazing_angel_73: i am not gonna put u down for loving her

blazing_angel_73: but i can drive myself insane thinking about it

darkwolf72: I can change, but I do not want give up the love I have for you

darkwolf72: I want to rebuild what we had but not by tearing down what I built here

blazing_angel_73: i wasnt refering to the way u feel about me i was refering to her thats what i would change dont u c that

darkwolf72: yes I see

blazing_angel_73: oh i could say something but it would sound hateful and greedy on my pt

darkwolf72: why hold back, get it out and be done with it

blazing_angel_73: ok move me there , live w, me and go over there and mess with her c i told u i sound greedy and selfish

blazing_angel_73: dont even answer that

darkwolf72: that is just the exact opposit of what I want, I do not want anyone "messing around" with anyone else, I want us to be a Family

blazing_angel_73: my problem is i dont wanna see it

blazing_angel_73: i dont want it done in my face

darkwolf72: I want you and Mary to love each as much as I love both of you, even if that is like sisters, I want us to love together

blazing_angel_73: i could handel sharing if i didnt have to do that

blazing_angel_73: brb gotta run to van need a pk of smokes

darkwolf72: i need a smoke as well

blazing_angel_73: im back

darkwolf72: as am i

blazing_angel_73: ok

blazing_angel_73: i went all the way to van 4 nothing

darkwolf72: but I do need to get to bed soon, have to get up at 4am for work

blazing_angel_73: i understand

blazing_angel_73: i forgot u wk on sat

darkwolf72: drop me some mail at work, I will bored to tears at [email protected]

blazing_angel_73: i will

darkwolf72: good, I Love you Jesi

blazing_angel_73: i love you too

darkwolf72: I will talk to you later ok

blazing_angel_73: ooooook if u must

blazing_angel_73: i was gonna call but thats ok

darkwolf72: I must, I need 6 hours if I am going to be worth anything

blazing_angel_73: ur always worth something 2 me

darkwolf72: thank you

blazing_angel_73: ok my darling i am here all day

darkwolf72: good night love

blazing_angel_73: love u night i wont say good

Yahoo! Messenger: darkwolf72 has logged out. (5/26/01 at 12:08 AM)

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