the kids r at school and I am here wrapped in my blanket and writing in my diary which is a very good outlet for my feelings...these days I guesss my feelings change like the wind...the events of the last month hovering over my head and blowing like a breeze threw my mind.

Lately I have been unable to concentrate on any one thing for a very long time...maybe because my life is full of stress...never the less I continue to seek the right path...I have spent a great deal of time reviewing my life, trying to find the person that I left behind.....

for the most I have done this but there are still many open issues and many things that I probably will never figure out.

I know for me my life changed after I moved out on my own...15, my own apartment and a vast world egar to teach me the harder lessons in life...this inevidably introduced me to a colder withdrawn personality....it was after that time that I began to focus on the needs of others and totally lost my own way.

by that I mean I looked at others and would hide my own emotions to some how save their feelings..not a good thing...it causes one to loose their own idenity... three marriages and 4 children later I found myself drained and clinging to what ever strand of hope came my way.....bringing me to Ronnie....

It's been said that I live with a man who I don't like...this was left open for interpretation...so I am in the mood to clarify....

when I met Ronnie..he was Mr. Perfect...he spoke kind words, was a hopeless romantic with a soft touch and a great scense of humor...he worked and his skills made my heart beat at uncontrollable speeds. Ronnie was an Idealist...some one who would look forward to the future with open eyes and didn't care what others thought. I was just like a school girl, in a trance and loving every minuet of it...I fell in love with him before I even knew what I was doing...

we dated for a year and then moved in together...this is when the reality sank in...the whole change....he began skipping work, drinking heavier and neglecting my needs...he quit caring how he spoke or when he spoke...his scense of romance went completely out the door...I was intangled in his web and desparately trying to regain the side of him that had withered away...

It has taken almost 2 yrs for me to loose that in love feeling...yes I love him...I love the man I feel for....I love who he was...maybe saying I don't like him would be a true statement for I severly dislike what he has become...

I would leave if I could...for my own health and emotional standing...not because I want to.....I still hope one day he will become that man I thought I found 3 yrs ago....of course the sad reality is I'm sure hes not gonna.

I moved into my own room to satisfy the need to excape. why lay next to someone who can sit there and ignore your very exsistance...speaking only to bitch and nuthin further....it is better to sleep alone as far as i'm concerned... if nothing changes and I find my way to my feet as I have done so many times before I hope the next man will have some of my qualitys....

I would want someone who is of the wiccan faith...I know good luck right for these ppl r not open most of the time....we live a very closed lifestyle because when we r out of the closet it tends to harm us.....employment is harder because most ppl r closed minded and will want to turn their backs...not to mention friends who will do the same...

I want a man who is willing to explore the sexual needs of his partener, one who can take no when i don't feel the need...some one who will get wild when I do...kind of sums it up...

I want someone who is capible of expressing themselves in writing as well as in conversation...a roll model for my children...(not a father there is a differance)

some one who will carry me iffin I fall and enjoy the best days of my life.....the strong type who can handle my tattered past with out condiming me for the choices....yes a prince charming in plain clothes would be nice....however I am beginning to believe that this type of things only happen in fairy tales...

oh well...its one of those things u win some and u loose some....is just the way the ball bounces......

LTR,

B.A.

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