I am very much under the weather today...I'm not sure why or exactly what to do about it. between this pc and being tired and probably pms comming on.I just feel like crap.

Last night i had a ok time at the resturant but once we left and I got home I started thinking about everything in life that I am missing out on...especially in my love life...this living together and sleeping in seperate rooms living seperate lives has been getting to me more than I'd like to admit. most the time I am good at hiding it but last night set off a bad feeling in me that seems to be lingering around.

I got off the pc. walked tword my room looked at my bed and there i went..the feelings of lonliness over whelmed me...I walked tword his room with the feelings and emotions overloading my mind..I wanted to ask him to come sleep by me and hold me but instead I looked at him and decided I just couldn't instead of turning and walking away I said in a soft, scattered voice would u please turn that down alil... meaning his stereo. I stood there staring at him for a second or two...torchering myself then turned to walk away...

upon returning to my room I closed the door and began to cry...I guess I did this for about an hr...I wrote in the book I have put aside for letters to him that he isn't given and then layed in the candle light wishing for death...not that I wanna die...its that I want the pain to go away....I am so tired of being lonly and feeling unloved....

Sometimes its a merical that i even get outta bed in the morning...I hav to kick myself to do my house work unless I'm angry then it seems to come natural.. I guesss i think cleaning the house will some how clean my heart of the pain...of course it always returns and at a much greater level...

I know what I need but I don't know how I'm gonna get it...I hate even thinking about shit like this...

u know what I think now adays If I could turn back time I would go back to being 15 again...being with donnie was a learning experiance...and back then I had a fire for romance...I had a passion for life...I think I would go back and figure out what made me so happy...what was it about myself back then that made me feel perfect and whole?

I guess I will never know... but it would be so great if I could...

Oh well my mind is really bleak right now and I guess everyone suffers a day or two of depression now and again...at least if u r reading this u know that u r not alone...my main reason for making it public what I deal with...

hope all is well in your heart and lives...and hope mine gets back on track...

B.A.

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