As the light of the candel flickers in my eyes, I glance into the mirror at the woman who stands before me....as sweet memories wisper their words in my ear , I feel unsure. Unsure about my destination in this life. Unsure about my feelings, My emotions foggy like a mist over a mountain.

Over the years I have given up on a whole lot of my dreams. merely excepting what the world dished out and playing russian rulette with my heart. Now look where I stand! I am here in a state that is bueatiful yet doesn't offer the happieness, or have I truely looked beyond my own back yard.

I have failed to smell the flowers, watch a sun set, or even walk out and take a deep breath of fresh air. Some of the inner more personal details that I once enjoyed very much...

Everyday is spent dreading the next out burst, the next bill, the next failure. I have forgotten what happieness was. In the months past I have allowed many people to remove my happieness from my life. Yes , You heard me right I ALLOWED!

Maybe it is the self doubt, lack of self confidence, maybe it is total depression and I need to understand what caused it...no matter what it is, I know that I am the only one who can change things...

I need to use these experiances as stepping stones to rebuild my house upon. Make that foundation for my children. Maybe I need to slip off for a self evaluation....create a new balance in my life.

I know that Ronnies involvement is holding me back, and I know the pain of my past plays a rather large roll in the choices that I make...so exceptance is not the issue...change is...

where do you begin after you see the problem, what do you work on first. these and other things cloud my mind each night as I lay down.

I am a woman with a vision, a vision of greatness...the perfect fairy tail living in the imagination where things seem much safer.but r they really safer or will it become the death of my personality...

I know that i need to get out more meet ppl and build a new circle of friends. I have been working on this...but fear is keeping me captive. the fear of being hurt again. I know that I am volunable. I know that as a woman I crave the attention and affection...and that has caused me many heart aches in the past...I do not wanna face such again...

And then there is my children getting more grown everyday...I know in no time they will blossem into adult hood leaving only memories behind...where will I be in 10 years...what will I be doing...I am almost 30 years old (less than 2 yrs) am I gonna be one of those lonly wemon who feed their cats and dogs and watch tv soap operas as friday night entertainment? or am I gonna be out on the town enjoying life...I do realize you p[robably think I am alil crazy and all but I truely wonder about these things...Yes I care a lil about what the world sees and is doing...and yes I often think about my past...reflections of the past leave room for growth in the future...as long as u dont get stuck in that past u r fine...maybe thats what has happen maybe I am stuck in what was and need to look closer at tomorrow...hell if I know...I'm just casting emotions into the wind...

B.A.

You can read older entries by visiting the achieves on the right. Thank You For Visiting!