How do you put into words what you feel when everything you could say about a subject seems to be rejected. I am talking about the forbidden subject again. I noticed that Etha signed my guest book and commented about a previous guest book entry.... again opening the doors for my opinion...after all this is my diary a place for my opinions and feelings...

I think about the past fairly often keeping most my emotions locked up deep inside. Yet when others bring up these details I find myself able to make comment. When I look back at the situation with martin I realize that I grew alittle more... I learned alot about people and the way they view things... I also learned that I should trust my instincts and listen to the little voice that tries to warn me away from conflict. The situation has become a thorn in my side, even though I moved on it occasionally sneaks up and bites me in the ass.

I never claimed to be perfect!!!! Matter of fact I have agreed several times that I made mistakes. I have agreed that Mary had her right to her own feelings and I will say that in many ways she handled the situation ok. I did try to be friends with her and she was somewhat friendly with me...both being such for his sake.... They were not married as many might think and this leads me to even another series......

Martin is married to another woman...he has two children he doesn't have contact with (nor does he seem to want as he and I have spent time talking about) I have learned that the prince I fell for was merely a toad in armour...once placed on the spot he showed his true image and as said before I can only be thankful that the powers that be stopped me from making a worse mistake...

My crime was allowing an old spark to become a full fledge fire... Being nieve is one of my many down falls. I will never say that loving someone is wrong...just maybe I should have kept my feelings under cover.

easier said than done...(of course)... I became drawn into his bueatiful brown eyes, overcome by his soft compassionate, misleading ,voice. I totally over looked the fact that I had faced pain with him in the past and that he once abandoned me. I heard those magic words and his promises and lost contact with reality.

Must I pay for these mistakes forever???? Maybe so...

I didn't put the letters and conversations into my diary to hurt Miss Mary! I know that couriosity kills the cat and that from time to time that Martin would look to c what I was doing...I just wanted to leave him something to ponder.I regret the fact that mary became so upset! Martin made promises and spoke of honor, I was just leaving him a reminder. People can think what ever they want but I know my intentions and this should be the last time that I defend them.

The sooner others leave the subject alone the sooner I will quit commenting on it. again I know the roll I played in the situation and pride is not an issue...Who would be proud that they became sucker to a man who walked all over them, broke their heart and moved on.....I place these things into the world as lessons for those who may cross the same paths as I have, I hope to stop someone from being hurt in the manner that I have been hurt....If that makes me a bad person in your eyes so be it!

As for my life standing today...I am tired, recooperating from a 12 hr drive...dealing with 7 kids is a difficult job.Excitement is never ending....one is always fighting another and personalitys clash. The longest days of my life exsist when his kids are here. I placed myself in this situation and one day I will get myself out.

I am no longer trying to build a relationship with Ronnie matter of fact I am no longer looking for love at all...I am gonna sit back try to enjoy my children and create balance. I live a boring day to day life...My friends are on line and I am soul searching the woman with in. Where life leads like most I follow....

I am concidering checking into the local schools and the programs they offer...I am intellegant and willing to learn. I only wish I knew what field I want...at 28 I don't have much longer to procrastinate....the time has come the time is now!!!! and I am ready to make a move for the better...

ok enough for now....Peace be with you! Blessed Be!

B.A.

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