Today I am basically sitting around thinking. I am very tired and not even sure how to put into words how I feel. It's been almost 3 weeks since I had anyone in the house except john for a few hrs. even then I can't really say he was much company.

My mind tends to invision Ronnie standing in the courthouse in the orange suit and cuffs/shackles. why does this bother me so much. why can't I just accept that what he done was wrong and that I am not to blame.

I go a few hrs ok, then it hits me again and I feel lost. Alone and sad. I fixed the phone so he can call but he hasn't yet leaving me wondering what he is gonna pull next.

what is it about him that makes me feel this way. He never actually loved me, he did nothin but critisized me and used me. Maybe its because my whole life i have been abused in one way or another. analizing ones self is a tough job.If I knew why I could fix it.

The wait 4 the future is somin else eating at me. here I am stuck in a place where I am 3000 miles away from a man I love desperately, waiting on a situation that is outta my control to finish so I can move on. All I can do is hope and have faith that soon David will be here with me. but u know sometimes I wonder what is actually gonna happen. we are still very quiet these days. and I know the lil insecuritys have been spoke of before. I know how he feels and I know how I feel.I worry that I am facing heart break again.

this is a tough subject for me. I don't wanna have these doubts. I wanna know that happieness is within reach. It's so hard.... I wanna tell David how much I need him here and how bad I want him here, but I can't...why because he is aware, his hands are tied right now there is no reason to make him feel worse. It would be easier if I knew a date to look forward to....but at this time its just not possible.

Our hand fasting is probably not going to go as planned. the days get closer and closer and he is no closer to being here....this also upsets me....We had all these plans that one by one hav falling apart.

I was suppose to hav a place of my own by march 1st he should have been here by now...by the plans we had made....

am I gettin on your nerves yet? I hope not as If I don't write some of these thoughts I'm gonna bust. Life isn't always peachy keen. Matter of fact I am constantly trying to over come one thing or another. but the key is I am fighting. I am not laying dn. giving up. I guess thats a plus...lol

anyway I'm outta here.

have a nice day:

brightest blessings

BA

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