well....its 3am and here I am wide awake again...Jenny just called, NO she didnt wake me up I had been laying for about 30 min looking at the ceiling...

Today I created and replaced Davids origional web site with what he wanted. As I reread the poems and the memorys raced thru my mind I couldn't help but gasp for air....why me...why must I still be so deeply inlove with him..

I cling to a future that will never be in hopes to finially has a fantasy life that doesn't exsist. each day I hold the phone in hopes he will call and still he hasn't gotten thru. Emptiness fills my soul. Pain fills my heart.

It's been one day shy of a month since he's been gone and the knife still churns in my back. I write him 10 page letters every day and mail them...providing him with loving support while dying inside... He was my everything for months now here I am alone dealing with life.He was my best friend and in many ways maybe he still is...not like my other best friends...I could talk to him about anything...I didnt fear judgement...I didn't fear abandonment I didn't feel shame...I recieved only understanding and warm affection...

How can something so bueatiful be concidered so evil...How can people expect me to turn my love off like a focet.. I can not do this...I must be true to myself...I must be true to my beliefs that goodness can conqure all...that despite what he did there is still a good man in there that was there 4 me in my darkest time of need.

I'm sry to those who can not understand my feelings...or who can not except them...I do not mean to let you down...I don't.... I am me...and if I don't follow my beliefs I am no more than a hypocrit.... I don't know...confusion still fills my head as I think about the situation....

I'm gonna try to lay back down maybe I can fall into a fantasy where peace love and romance fills the air. and there really is a knight in shining armour.....

Brightest Blessings

BA

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