I made it thru the night I suppose, I'm tired as hell, as I awoke several times to some really freaky nitemares.. why I am dreaming of abusive situations is beyond me...well...not really, but these kind of dreams are...not like I ever lived in this life stuff like this.

I guess its everything that is compiling in my life. I am still drained and emotionally stressed The oldest was late again and of course it was again due to her lack to motivate. I wish she knew why I push her..I don't ever want her to relive my mistakes. yes I know this is an unrealistic goal but a mother can still wish. her grades are lacking, her additude terrible and momma is hopeful that she will turn this around. she is so smart and can be so plesent when she isn't acting like this. I know most is preteen related but I don't remember being this way til after I started 7th grade then most was due to lack of supervision. I love my kids so much and do everything I can to make things the best they can be...I know I make mistakes but I am human and well its human nature to screw up time and time again.

I have always called my oldest my learning experiance lord and lady only know that I try not to repeat the mistakes I make with her. she is growing so fast and before long her childhood will be lost. All the things I wish I could do to make life funner and more exciting. but I can't, financially I am not capible. So we go on... I just hope that when she is grown that she knows I tried and that I love her ever so much...

Today is the hearing and my nerves struggle to hold tight...my hands tremble and my heart aches, my mind full of confusion as I await. The phone shall ring sometime today (I hope) to tell me what the out come is...will there be another continuance. will he be sent for sentancing..will my dreams fade like candels in the wind. I just don't know what to expect...I have always said that when a judge is making discissions it all depends on his sex life..I know not funny but its like u can tell..hey the judge got some last night he is humorous..or uh O he is in a pissy mood and gonna sock it to ya...

*sigh* Hell with it I'm just too exausted to think anymore I need sleep, not a few hrs but nites of catch up...I'm gonna lay down and hope that I can shake the visions long enough to cop som Z's...

Brightest Blessings

and may the powers that be watch over all influenced by this situation

BA

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