The ringing of the phone made me jump and grab knowing that this time it just had to be him, In a praying voice I said hello. The operatior began to talk in a recording as I awaited the ability to except, my heart raced my eyes teared...I have been waiting so long... At last I heard his voice so soft, and tender, so sensitive...and yet I knew I had very limited time....

I could barely hear a word he said but I hung on every word, trying to hide myself in the most quiet of rooms...even the water running thru the pipes from the water hose drownded him out...I had to yell at the kids several times to gain enough silence to hear what he had to say.

I just kept telling him to please be strong, that I loved him and that I was gonna stand by him...that he hasn't lost me yet..

he told me he has sent personal messages to ppl of the family, but we spent much time rambeling about love and feelings. 15 MIN IS NOT ENOUGH DAMN TIME!!!!!!!!!

It was so hard to hear him, and yet what I heard made my heart race and my eyes swell...

I told him from now one he must tell me everything if he expects me to stand by him...EVERYTHING!

I managed to stay strong until I heard the recording say 2 minuets...I just kept saying shit its not enough time...this is so unfair...He promised to call again tomorrow or the next day ... How can I wait that long...Oh how I didn't want to hang up....again I repeated how much I love him that he must stay stong...that I need him.

"One minuet remaining" I heard the recording say ...I listened as he again told me how much he loves me...to take care of myself....""" My heart screamed as I heard the beep"""" I whispered one last I love you I heard him reply and we said good bye...

I held the phone in my hand for a long moment then fell apart, Still clinging to the phone I layed my head against the wall, held on tight and cried...still I am crying almost an hour later..."ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR" I want to go there...I want to be there....

I have taken a whole nerve pill but still its not working...my heart pounds, my chest tightenes, my eyes so full of tears I keep hitting the wrong keys and having to correct myself...

His voice still ringing through my mind.... As I Pray for the next call to come soon...

Its storming again...I think I'm gonna go out side and fall apart some more... I never even got to hear what happen in court...so Yet I am still in the dark...

Brightest Blessings

BA

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