well its here, one of the most dreaded days of the year...mothers day. A day when most get to do all the special things for the woman who gave them life....I have my kids yes, and I am so greatful I am....they are trying so hard to make it good...I just don't hav the heart to say I wanna be alone....The best thing they could do is just behave and not fight today....allow my heart to grieve and deal with all the things that I am going thru....for 1 day let me break down...yes i know its impossible...but...a reality it is.

David called a while ago, he wanted to make sure he talked to me on mothers day...he asked how I'm doing as I tell most I'm exsisting...he said not good enough...like I told him most days Its all I can do is exsist.... He told me to get out of the house...I told him I can't, he said I need to, I told him car's broken...he said take a walk....I said I don't wanna....he said do it anyway....(he spoke in a joking manner but I knew he was serious....) I also know he is right I do need to get out but where do I get the energy? the will power when all I really wanna do is curl up in a lil ball and cry, I do that alot these days and I'm sure under the situation its normal, I just feel so alone, so very very alone....

Things seem to go one with lil help from me these days....I just sit around looking, noticing things yet not speaking about what I see and what it means to me....Most ppl can not be open enough to understand what I'm feeling anyway....maybe its just as well that I'm alone...no one else has to feel my pain as they stare into eyes that stay full of tears even on the best of days....they don't have to watch as I fall apart, or as my hands shake....

I'm 29 yrs old with no life...nothing to make me feel whole....only tunnel vision to the darkest of emotions....I had so many plans, and they have *poofed* gone.....lack of motivation , and a fear of more pain keeps me from trying to hard....in solitary I reside, my only true contact with the world being my computer and those who I share my time with....The spark in my eyes gone, the only thing left is a shell of what was....still a ray of hope exsists in my heart that somin will happen to make things work out....it has too....

I have to morn be fore I can heal...and what a long proscess it is especially when I do not yet know what will happen...I do not yet know if a merical will bring back my dreams....

For now I wait, hopeing, dreaming, andtrying to keep my faith that all things are possible....thats all I can do.........

Brightest Blessings

BA

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