My life is constantly changing, every time i think I know whats going on somin else changes. since its after midnight here I will say yesterday would have been mine and ronnies official 3 yr annaversary, but he don't even remember....I remembered several times today and yet why should it matter any more. he chose his path and I stand alone....whats done is done never to be again....the good times were over too long ago to even be bothered mentioning now....

the car broke down again yesterday....I am so damned tired of things breaking down...so tired....one step forward two steps back thats my life...yet I fight to keep ahead....

Today is officially Mothers day one of the worse day of the years for me....My mother has been dead for 10 years this fourth of july and it feels like eturnity...you truely never know what your mother means til she is no longer there...and so young just 34 yrs old, bad choices made, wrong men and one day *poof* she is gone.....sad isn't it.... so young and so many years left to live why do we make such poor choices in life? Whymust the vicious cycle repeat its self through out generations. i dont think we plan it this way...it just happens...I miss her so much like all those others gone b4 her....but more!

I think about Davids mother and how sad this year must be for her....I know there isn't anything I could possibly say to make it a better day for her but I did send her my thoughts for mothers day....I think he would have liked that...I wish I would have mentioned it when he called today.

When he called we talked about a few things mostly about the family and the things going on in it. I let star sqay a brief hello and dylan screamed thru the phone a hi too...

I was bold and asked him about what I was told the other night and had confermed by jenny....sadly the truth hurts but atleast he was honost and admitted saying it. he says that was before he was assured that I still wanted things to work out....he claimes he would have never said it had he of known then that I was not lost. he was sure that I would never even concider a future....he was so wrong....love just can't turn it's back like that....I have to believe that mistakes made are atleast most times lessons learned not to be repeated....I have to believe that if he works the programs, uses the resources that he will be safe and able to avoid the temptation and situations if ever faced with it again....

I do so love him and would do anything to make things wk....

You know if I could I would go there, move there to b able to support him in person....I would! but I know this will never happen and I will more than likely never get to visit....

But my heart is there...my soul is there....only an empty shell of a heart exsists here in my body....my eyes grow more hollow every day, no matter the front I try to play....It's lonely and lonlieness changes a person.....what I wouldn't give to turn back the hands of time.....then I could change the pain I am now living if only just a lil bit....

well I'm gonna go try to sleep and I hope that all the MOMs out there have a wonderful mothers day....

Brightest Blessings

BA

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