I've come to the conclusion that things are not going to get any better any time soon, matter of fact things seem pretty much getting worse....

First my relationship with Ronnie, then all the things with David, then facing life alone and all the sadness that comes with that. Then I start having car problems and just as I think things with the car is going to get better...The son-of -a-bitch catches on fire!!!!

yes u heard me I barely made it home tonight when I pulled in my drive way I seen smoke, thinking I was over heating I opened the hood to find a full fledge fire...I quickly grabbed the water hose and put it out, I'm shaken up really bad...I mean hell

here I am 5 miles in bum fuck egypt with no transpo, 4 kids, and bills up to my ears....I'm trying to stay calm and have tried cleaning my house to work off the anger but its not working...I am totally, utterly frantic...what the fuck is a singel mother of 4 in a small hick town suppose to do when things get this bad...other than cry and give up...I'm fighting as hard as I know how...and yet I'm sinking more and more every day...

I am really beginning to think that the powers that be hate me..that I am their big joke...they give me a lil happieness then they take it just as fast ...like haha you really thought we were going to give u a break...NO WAY not U...U R going to pay for being born....lol..I know this is just a rant and that its not really true but sometimes u really gotta wonder about the humor of those in charge of our lives...

I know there has to be something I can do and I'll find a way...maybe I can loose all my excess weight by walking 5 miles to the grocery and back....maybe I'll get hit by a car on the way there...I know not very fucking funny huh? but it's my luck...everything else happens....

I wish I could hear his voice when I feel this bad...his voice saying that everything is going to be ok...that life can still be everything that it's suppose to be...that this is just an awful nightmare...yes I know I'm not dreaming and that this is reality...Guess What? REALITY SUX!!!!!!

If it weren't for these kids I would just GIVE UP! take the hint...and stop trying...I think I would just go back to my carefree life of hitch hiking accrossed the country and enjoy life as its natural bueaty....No I am not telling people that its safe I'm not saying it's all fun...what I'm saying is that when I was dirt poor on the streets with a man who actually loved me I was richer than a millionair...I was happy and nothing else matters...

Being in hell like this is not the issue...I know what it is...it's that I am utterly alone, merely exsisting with no one to emotionally support me...no one to hold, no one to kiss, no one to whisper the I love u's that I so desperately need in my real life...yes I hear it...over a phone in a letter and by friends/family on line...but it's just not the same as waking up in the arms of a safe companion.... I know get over it....ok ok I'll shut up...before the humorous powers that be makes things worse....

hope ur life is better than mine....hope all your dreams come true...I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemys...and they know who they are....

Brightest Blessings

BA

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