the day has almost passed and none too soon, each day I find myself sinking lower and lower still clinging to my hopes and dreams. today I spent some time outside in the yard, on a blanket my head rested on a pilloe. soaking in the rays that I knew was burning my back...it was pain but I felt alive. I looked around me at all the life, the sky bueatiful blue the clouds evenly spread to make such a purty pattern. I could hear the birds sing and feel the wind softly blowing on my ever burning body. bueaty was all around me yet sadness filled my soul. I wanted but one thing to hear the voice of my shadow. to say the least I damned the powers that be that I could not pick up the phone to do this....Yes I know he did wrong and is paying the price but I too am paying, for it is he that my heart and soul desires most, it is he that makes me complete and I can not have him, not yet...

I tried to come in the house to write and do some needed things, but my mind fell blank, as it was stuck on my need to talk to him. Eventually I gave up and went to the bedroom in total isolation I cried, deeper than i have in days until sleep took me over and the dreams began. in my dreams he lives, he walks freely and i feel his embrace. in my dreams there is no distance only he and i, as a family, with the kids playing near by. in my dreams there is no more sorrow only happieness and contentment. in my dreams i found peace...sheilded from the pain for a moment in time.

i was awaken by star to what i thought was another dream, she said mom its david....my heart fell....as it always does when he calls...how could he have known I needed this call so badly, could he feel me calling him in my mind. I found that the program guy had finially visited and had warned him should he feel that David was bullshitting he would leave and not return. He never left and if things go right, David may be out soon...or atleast soon er...(My heart prays soon!!!!*) there are a few more things that he must do 1wst but finially something is happening..I just pray its not a false hope and that things are really gonna get better for him, for me for us. what I wouldn't give to hold him in my arms....to be standing there as he walks out the gate...yes I know in my mind he is already well on his way to freedom and in my heart I hold hope that its true...

For each day that passes a small micro spot in my soul dies, each day the emptiness grows never leaving totally but decreasing just the same... every one knows how I feel and this leaves me feeling bad if I seek the attention I need from friends and family...so most the time I keep it bottles up inside crying my tears in solitude and living with in my own private hell.... The show must go on theres an audiance to please...there r people who depend on me so like a clown I put on my face, I try to be strong though my world is falling apart...I try to handtheir problems and take care of their needs , some times I wanna scream LOOK! people I can not be who u want me to be for today I don't know who I am...but I don't...Im always there...must stay strong for those around me...must try...

What more can I say, I'm surviving Im breathing, the world though cruel is a bueatiful place...and I am yet trying to hold on for my rainbow....

Brightest Blessings

BA

You can read older entries by visiting the achieves on the right. Thank You For Visiting!