a lifetime I have been seeking joy and happieness always having it yanked from under my feet. today the day befor my newest commitment I find myself full of sadness and a numbness falls over me, until I hear the words u have mail mistress, which happens when I get yahoo mail. it was something simple, a simple reminder that tomorrow is the day, the day that sould be one of the happiest in mine and davids relationship. I will be dealing with this day alone, we can not betogether. tears stream from my cheeks as I think about what should be and what can not.

I want to b there with him, I would lay my life down to be there. to many as always i am a fool, but true love don't care about others opinions...only that you follow your heart. Love isn't always deserved, or it would not be love...True love is unconditional it seperates actions from what you feel for a person....True love stands strong thru the wind, it out lives the worst and works to heal the pain, and carry on . forgiveness is apart of love and to forgive and forget is something many can't do...I can...when this is all said and done the past will be forever locked away and our happieness can begin. for those that may find my opinion offensive, I am sry...but If u don't support those u say you love then its obvious you don't love them near as much as you say....harsh? Maybe...but to me is as true as my blood is red...

when I say better or worse I mean those words, I am NOT going to follow what the sick hearts of this world think I should I am going to do what to me is the right thing...IF U DON'T LIKE IT TOO FUCKING BAD!!!!

Yes Im in a dark mood ... why do u ask??? I am not happy I am not going to pretend...I am real I have good days I have bad but over all I survive.. I had it asked once where my happieness lies...where? u ask?

My happieness lies within my own heart, knowing that I stand up for my own beliefs , knowing that I am not so weak that I have to hunker down and pretend to believe in those around me's views...I am not U I do not hav to think like u...

My happieness lies in my love for those who touch my heart and earn the title friend or family. my happieness lies when I hug my child or hear the voice of my david whisper how much I mean to him. My happieness comes from knowing what I want, and not being afraid to fight for it...my happieness lies in me..my happieness lies in my faith...

My tunnel vision has me pointed to seattle where I hope to be as soon as possible. a place where I can be closer to david and share his life with him...I can only hope that it happens soon. I have fears and desires untold and yes I am aware that this is a drastic move but one with great emotional value. I am in love I am in need of his presence...I am an emotional mess because i can not be there...and I know he feels the same...we need each other. and eventually I will be there...

OKOKOK I'll shut up..Im gonna go I'll probably return a few times over the next two days because I am taking a rest from neo, my on line life and just simply focusing on me...if u wanna call me and u have my number u r welkum, I would love to hear from u, if u feel that u need to check on me...so be it, I appreciate the support, but if u r just going to tell me what u think and not care about my feelings..don't bother...I will not be swayed!!!!

Brightest Blessings

BA

You can read older entries by visiting the achieves on the right. Thank You For Visiting!