*sigh* another day passes no closer to my dreams comming true. I woke at 5:30am to a miserable tooth ache..I tried to wash and hold my mouth full of jack daniels..I waste the stuff so much..this time It didn't help and all I could do is cry...so I reached for the nerve pills. I took two in hopes it would knock my tale out and I could find relief.. it did the job...

I woke up at about 1:30 in the after noon. feeling very numb and still very medicated...the mail ran ,I got two letters from david...Excited I opened em and found a real good ass chewing...Im not sure he ment things the way they came accrossed but I isolated myself in my room so I could write him in peace...I always read thru the entire letter then I go back reread and write back in the same order...

He holds so many doubts about weather I am gonna ever get there, weather I really want to be there. GOD DAMN IT! I keep telling him YES! I am killing myself trying to find a way..Im begging the powers that be to help me get there...I am so stuck and life feels so dark. im becomming weak and deeper in to depression every day...those who attack my email havn't helped at all...but fuck em..they never truely cared to begin with...i believe that now...they were never truely family .....or should i say i was never truely their family...i just want to go...i want to b there..im tired of waiting...tired of crying..tired of watching him and i both hurt...i feel him now trying to push me away...in an attempt to stop his pain....if that happens i am nothing..i will let go....i will never allow anyone to get close to me again..i mean it..this is it...no more.

so what do I do, what can I do? apsolutely fucking NOTHING!!!!!!!!

I am so damn stuck...

tears is my life these days and nothing else has flavor..even my web creations feel dark..I cant consentrate, thoughts about him fills my mind..I take care of the kids and exsist..Im not happy, there is no joy...only sorrow...only pain...Im lonely and lost...needing communbication that I can't have...feeling like a failure in everyaspect...

Im not where I should be, nor am I close. Im fucking up his neo account, done lost his pet which he is so angry about..I told the wrong ppl what he did now we r both underfire and life is a mess

Im being forced out of the home I helped create because I want to make a life with the man I love despite what he did..I losrt many friends because of this same choice..what is left to fight for...I just can't c the sun any more..I can't feel the warmth I cant even find the energy to try anymore..

what do u do when u feel u can't win....when the world is against u and the only ray of happieness is 3000 miles away...

no u don't have to answer that I know, U hang on , put on the happy happy mask and pretend everything is ok so not to upset the worlds balance...u try to make some one happy, and create happieness some where for someone...***sigh***

Ok I'm outta here..I truely hope everyone is better off than I am right now...

Brightest Blessings

BA

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