I just not in the mood to deal w/ other ppl...i got a blood stained diary entry..that was raw and very hurtful....: I know when he is upset he bites his lip very very hard to make it bleed...and this pack happen to hav blood every where.and he tells me not to worry about the dirt marks..yea uh huh..sure me not worry...dirty marks..yep Im stupid,.....NOT I know blood when I see it!!!!!!.. he talks about the phone calls, and me not letting him talk...and then about the move and giving up that Im comming etc. I am about ready to loose my fucking mind and every call , every letter, takes me down that much more...I feel like everything I do is failing him in one way or another...Its like being stabbed 1000 times in the heart..

I told all the wrong ppl ( there for was attacked by those I thought were my family) , I lost his pet (again because I told the wrong ppl and got scared they would try to hav his account frozen so I moved his stuff and lost his pet) , Im not there where I should be... he thinks i dont wanna come. Im so tired, so tired of hurting, so tired of being doubted, so tired of doing without, so tired of not knowing what to do..I tell him over and over how badly I want to be there..does it seem to sink in? NO if I knew what to do I would I am stuck I live 5 miles in the boonies, no sitter, no car, 2 days worth of food left, .I want to pull myself out I want to wk and get there but I am STUCK...

If I could get a pick up I'd load the SOB with what ever i could carry and would b gone...and standing in davids face....saying "OK IM HERE IS THIS PROOF ENOUGH?????"I dont think in all my years on this earth I hav ever been so scared of waking up ....whats gonna happen next...when will he give up and Ill be alone totally...I hav lost so much...and am sinking further every day...in the new diary entry he speaks of making finial discissions, writes as if the time draws near though the whole time denying that it is..... I know he has made his will, his mother is from what he says his medical POA...etc....he is preparing for the end...I just dont know....Im confused and scared and trying my best to find a way....I appreciate those that do listen...of course it makes me feel bad when i do....its been 4 months down time and Im still sinking....Im sure ppl r getting tired of that too.

So what now...all I can do is sit and cry..and wish and hope and pray and hang on to what sanity I have left..which doesn't seem to be much...Right now the only good things in my life is the kids and they are such a hand ful that I drive myself crazy trying to get em to behave...

gonna go now..

BA

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