December 25, 2002

hi yall

It's christmas and CS just got here....That sweetie brought me a lap top (smile)

it needs a modem and it's really old but hey I'll be back on line really soon....

let me take the time to give u a total run down about the last four almost five months...

Do u have your time travel wear? ok then lets go.....

Aug 11, 2002 My aunt ripped me off my 2000$ pc plus 500.00 she stole some of my clothes

and some of stars clothes too.we were on our way to a place that helps with housing...

thank goodness they gave me motel valchers because we needed em....

me, cs, and the kids went to the motel it was a place that at first glance i really didn't

want to stay at but at least it was warm and had beds and a kitchen. C.S left the nextday we

were all very sad. he had to though he said so he could leave us with enough to pay for the

rent for a week...I never felt so alone in my life, but I made the best out of a bad situation.

I did the best I could and made it into a nice one room apartment. I spent the first two months

looking for work and an apartment and I must admit feeling sorry for myself. I had Jenny who

became my bestfriend and I had my David to visit almost everyday.....

Around Aug 27 I was told I couldn't visit David for about 30 days until he was sentanced.

It was like a knife in my back... David again told me to take care of my needs any way I needed

to... For the 1st three days I layed and cried..... I was lost and alone so it felt like...

then something happen...something that left me both stisfied and ashamed...I met a man.

a very unique man a free spirited man who was um...49 years old... we talked for hrs and that night

something happen...something I never dreamed...he kissed me...when he did my hormones went nuts....

that night after I fed and put the kids to bed I went back over to Ted's room where things happen

by the time I left that room my self doubts had melted away... I always use to sy stars dad was the

most exotic man I had ever been with...now I can't say that... this affair lasted 5days...only 5 because

I withdrew, I was in love w/ david...ashamed at myself for what I had allowed to happen and

because i was beginning to become attached to him... not exactly what I had antisapated...it was time to

move on...and I knew it. 3 days passed ted worked and friday came..

I had taken the kids shopping bought hair dye and nails and other stuff for the house and kids.

the kids were playing as usual and Jenny was there....Dylan brought in a new face one I had seen

around, he had long hair a nice ass and my words were lost i could hardly even say hi...

he didn't say much only introduced himself as dylans friend and wanted to be sure it was ok

that i knew that he was there...

this was the beginning.....

after Jenny left Michael returned he said he had always wanted to do this...as he took my hand

and kissed it.I melted...that night we went next door to a friends house to have a few drinks

after which at 3am I returned to his room with him...we made love (a nice way to put it) not the

same sensations as w/ ted but slow and easy. his arms were warm and his touch soft and I didn't want

to be alone that night. After we were finished he returned to my room where we snuggeled the rest of

the night.by morn i didn't want him to go...

If he had of left he would have had to checkout on sunday..then what would i ever see him again..i decided

to let him move in...1st i would no longer be alone, second he could share the rent, also he coul help

with the kids who seemed to like him...alot...

at that time i didn't know when i would see David again and even though deeply inlove w/ David

I didn't want to be alone..I had needs that had been in the dark for almost two years

now those needs were being met...yes Michael knew about David and in time David would know

about Michael...this is where it became weird....

On the date of the sentancing David got ten years w/ 15% off for good time...My life fell dark...

over come by sadness and pain i returned home...where Michael and the kids were waiting...i cried

alot that day and Michael tried to comfort me but he was also afraid of loosing me himself.

for the most part i didn't know what to say...I must stay true to myself. I had told Michael

several times that I would never stop writing, seeing, talking to or loving David. I thought

he understood I suppose later u'll find that to be the worse mistake of my life....

Me and Michael got along well. I got a job as an appointment setter a fancy term for telemarketer.

at a local security company, mike watched the kids as I worked (as does he now) I visited David

at RJC until he was moved to shelton then it was only once a month...that broke me up inside...

when i did go michael got (gets) real depressed. sometimes it created (creates) an arguement...

it usually begins w/ "u don't love me like u do him...or something of that nature..." (personally

I don't think u ever love two people exactly the same way but hard to explain that to some one who

is hurting) its kind of an on going thing to this day...especially since the glass is no longer between

the visits.

Do u know what it's like to lead a double life where u have feelings for two individuals....

I've heard the word for this is poly. I guess thats a title i except these days. I am still

totally in love with David and yet I have grown feelings for Michael as well.

its not comfortable believe me....there is much that keeps me from falling in love

with Michael the same way as I am for David..let me explain....

Michael is bi-polar he has mood swings that make him cry like a two year old child

it drives me crazy...when he is good he's great he waits on me hand and foot

he treats me like a queen, but when he hits rock bottom which seems to happen alot

these days its pure hell.....thats when the "u don't love me as much as u love david"

starts....thats when he throws my love for David in my face and I dont have an

arguement for it other than except me for who I am or get out....

u c I am not gonna be given an autamatium (spelling) I will follow my heart

and do what it says....let me explain that one better w/ an example.....

I got to go see David two weekends ago 1st time without glass, a very

emotional experiance believe me...he walked thru the door and I broke

into his arms. he felt soooooo good..finially we were able to touch..

then he kissed me, oh my goddess...I could have passed out from

emotion. for the first time I was content with just being kissed and

hugged. we talked for hours (3) It was as close to perfect as possible.

when I got home I told Michael if he wanted to know to ask, but if he asked

be prepared to hear a honost truthful answer...he didn't ask though i could see

it was killing him...that bothered me...but the fact is I am who I am and if he

doesnt want me for who I am he needs to move on...(right?) I mean David knows

about Michael and though hard he accepts that I have needs that he can't meet

he knows I shouldn't have to pay for his time in prison...I'm in no way saying

he likes the idea but he isn't turning his back on me or giving me a choice of

being alone waiting on him, or loosing him either..David tries not to force

me into talking about sexual topics where michael is concened, though I often

do.how do i get myself into these messes...I'll never know.

some times i think its gonna drive me crazy...I don't like the inner feeling but

don't wanna give up either one of em...especially now... (sigh)

so what now? I suppose I continue this and hope in time things workout

for the best.

I guess that fills u in for the last four months I'll try not to take so

long next time....

Brightest Blessings,

BA

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