Hi everyone,

I don't know how much I am gonna write tonight but I guess everyone deserves an update on my life...lol

I spent sat- tues in bed severly sick w/ what must hav been a flu. I'm feeling some what better cept when i start coughing and still cant quit making my asthma act up...but at least I'm back at wk.

now mike has it...I tried to tell him to stay away but noooo he has to sit in my face and try to baby me..he is a real sweetie and I appreciate him taking care of me. *sigh* life is complicated where mike is concerned. I do care 4 him and alot. its not a spend the rest of my life with him kind of love . because fate has ways of fucking w/ ppl I'm not gonna say I never will or, cant or anything like that...I'll just say that for the time being the love is of differant kind...not as a friend but not as forever...

frankly I'm still very much in love w/ shad and can't nor will I let go... after being in shad's arms, feeling his kiss, his embrass his heart beat I'm deeper in love than ever. I still write I still recieve calls I still visit every chance I can which isn't nearly enough. I still dream I still yearn...but I don't wanna be alone either not that long and shad understands that.... We hav a special bond one unlike anything I hav ever felt before and all we can do is let time guide us and allow the goddess to mark our lives...Im clinging and hoping and relying on faith to pull me thru this

I dont wanna hurt any one and as selfish as I look I can't let go of either...not now...and I wont b forced by either...shad won't try he knows how unfair that would be to ask me to b alone...but michael...I know he hurts I offer his freedom, but refuse to break contact w/ shad...am I wrong? maybe..everyone has their opinions..and mine is that I have made so many wrong choices that I prefer to cling to both and see who is still there when the smoke clears...selfish yes but in my best interest due to past mistakes even more so...

other than that I'm wking...my job isnt bad if ppl leave u alone and the leads r good..I can sell granny her undies if she has $ to let go of.. but if she dont its a lost cause...thats a fact and if she wont answer her phone then I'm stuck w/ em til she does...fact again...thats what wk is like these days I hav a drawer full of grannys old undies when the grannies wont answer...no they arent a bunch of old ppl...they are aged 18- what ever but wking ppl or smart ppl w/ caller id that never answer the phone when I call..

I'd say the best part of my wk schedual is the 30 min bus 140 ride home there is a baby doll that drives it...hes tall...strong broad shoulders and georgous long waist length hair....mmmmm... no I wouldnt but I do enjoy talking to him and tend to wipe the drull off when he turns his head...lol interesting fellow and defenately great eye candy...but it shows u that my job isnt great if the best part is my ride home...lol

My guild has welkumed me back w/ open arms ... well most of them any way...some still arent talking to me ..makes me sad.. not to mention the ones I've lost for numborous reasons but not much I can do but pick up the peices and keep trying...maybe most will come home one day...and if not may peace bless their lives..I hold no more grudges cept twords my father....but hey not everything changes over nite and that probably never will....

I didnt get to tell u that my step mom asked star abunch of questions the other night...come to find out dad was in seattle closer to me that I even knew...at a truck stop he wanted to see me and the kids..I never actually heard from him even though i said it was ok...but I didnt expect it either...oh well...

any way I guess thats a good catch up to make ppl happy...BTW did u notice I finially archieved my diary entrys...took several hrs since i was half drained and messed it up...lol..but its fixed now...gotta remember how to do the html better and it won't happen like that again...

well my devoted readers I'm outta here 4 now will get more out soon..Im trying to get caught up then it will b daily again...

HUGGYS AND ETURNAL LOVE

Brightest Blessings

BA

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