so much going on so lil time to explain not sure it will go thru anyway but lets try shall we? my pc is fucked up again...2nd time in a week..and this time i think its a virus, not sure...

its rough around here, I feel emotionally trapped and quite alone most the time..I hav one good friend here but even she can't take on everything I have bothering me.. I have rose and rav (sometimes) I hope rav is ok...sigh... and sharon is missing again... david calls 3 x's a week but its just too short to really hold a convo about problems... of course theres marg who worries like crazy about me..as always when i spread my wings to fly she is there w/ a net... thank goddess someone is.. I read her diary tonight...got a lil choked up... not that she loves me or anything...lol

remember the last few entrys when I said that I was holding back some info and openly admitted that I had bi-tendancys...well...

it happened..I crossed the line..won't say with who..and don't figure anyone will guess but I don';t regret anything either..I'm not gonna place pacifics here but it felt like a closet door opened..and I stepped thru it.. I think those I told were very surprized..I know john was he was even pissed...but hay its my life now and I could care less.. I'm not saying I'm gonna go out and add me a girlfriend to my list cause I'm not but I finially over came my fear...

marg told ronnie..he didnt believe her..oh well...people change that includes me...why does he care anyway he made his choices...I still worry about him but I know the past is better left alone ... what ever I do w/ my life now doesn't concern him anymore...

I do wish we could talk once in a while, I don't even know why... I guess couriosity kills the cat... he just don't hav the balls to talk to me... I did try once...at least i did get to talk to his kids once they sound so grown...and I hope they know I still care... they r on my mind alot... I think tomorrow is lisa's b-day....hope it goes the best possible..hope ronnie remembers to at least call her... I'd remind him if I could...oh well its not my place anymore...

I am looking 4 a new job but really wanna start school..get that psychology degree and prove the world wrong...no one knows abuse like a adult survivor... why not take the victom out of the abusive past by helping others get past it too... I hav always said the best way to get back at those who hurt u is to live and live well...and thats what I'm trying to do is live well...

I hav a nice place and the apartment is comming together really well... I do hav a job, and am self supporting I'm not getting assistance anymore...I told them to shove the food stamps and have been making it on my own again... I'm proud of that accomplishment...

things get better..I know that..Im the origional optimist...

any way thats a wrap..wish me luck that this will post...

Brightest Blessings

BA

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