life these days is really testing my faith as a mother and preistess.... I sware I am at my wits end...I don't know where to turn or what to do..I feel like the walls are closing in on me... I hav a 5 yr old who smeared shit on the walls a typical type of crazy thing that kids do...and now the school thinks she needs a psychiatric eval..I think she accidently got shit on her finger and panicked and wiped it on the wall...its not like it happen 50 times. gez this country has lost its fucking mind..they take our control as parents and force us to conform to their desires and then wonder why these kids go crazy... I have a 13 yr old who is doing everything she can to kill me...her mouth constantly running and two nites ago she robbed walmart..no she didnt get caught but thats besides the point..I wanted to take her there and force her to give the stuff back..but knowing walmart they would hav pressed charges...so instead I decided w/ another mother to force the girls to do community service...today they cleaned a beach at a beach house apt complex tomorrow they clean the pool to prepare it 4 this summer... then they come here clean my house and then i start trying to find some where for them to volenteer at...I was afraid to turn them in I dont want my child to get a record...but what can I do..I feel like such a fucking failure these days.. I cant stay home 24/7 I hav to wk...I hav to pay the bills I hav to take care of 4 kids by my god damn self and hope that my not being here will not perminately scar them...what ever happen to the days when mom's could stay home, when kids knew that they hav top respect theior parents..it went out the fucking door thats what happen...Im desperate..I dont want to watch my kids suffer and hurt landing in jail...or worse dead...as a parent I am lost...I was never like that..I was never that desperate...I feared jail, I feared societys view of me I didnt wanna b in trouble...yes I ran away but why? cause I was being mistreated and I broke free from sexual molestation, and physical abuse...I broke free from ppl who yelled at me, ppl who blamed me for adult discissions..ppl who only wanted to use me as a battle ax against everyone else..I wanted a true family one that would love me unconditional..I set out to create that family..I never thought about being financially stable enough..I mean material items never created happieness 4 me..I needed love..I thought that if I have kids that I would have a family that would love unconditionally.. so I have created that idea of truth and illusion...its harder than I ever imagined..and I have 4 kids to raise in a society that took my control..I sware if i talked to my mom the way these kids do me I would not hav walked again...she would have perminately broken my legs...or maybe my jaw..I sure the hell wouldnt have had teeth.... my heart pounds my tears fall as I desperately try to find a way to fix the problems they face... how can i be at two places at once..i am barely survivian on our income as it is alone if i hav to stay home....surely some where there is an answer to my questions? isnt there? I moved these kids here partially 4 the oppertunitys that the area could provide...but I am now faced w/ differant troubles...grades falling, kids acting out..knowing the problem and not being able to do anything about it...Id never give up though sometimes I wanna...I hav to fight these kids are more than worth it..they are my life they hav been apart of me almost 1/2 as long as I hav been alive...they came from my body and I gave them breath...they are my world the only thing that keeps me going...that isnt so bad its a damn good reason to wake up...its just hard sometimes to look in their lil eyes knowing that my best isnt good enough that they require more that I can physically give at times...why does everything hav to be so hard why do I hav to fight so hard for everything they deserve...I need a break I need it now/// my heart aches for peace...and by damn I know its out there...this is another idea of why I feel psychology classes would benifit me...I mean it could only help me figure out what is causeing all the pain...how to view situations in my own life and find solutions...not counting its a good career where I can help others who like me hav no where to turn...isnt that a good reason to do it....helping myself while helping others? hell I just dont know any more..... all I know is that I really need to find a way to fix this life and gain peace of mind and soon...Brightest Blessings

You can read older entries by visiting the achieves on the right. Thank You For Visiting!