in a wooded area, I got out of the car,surrounded by trees and the smell of the ocean in the near distance, do u remember what that smells like? I could never forget... my mind began to wonder into total tranquility... I was close to nature... my favorite spot... We walked... me, jenny, michael, and the two babys and as we got closer to the water I could feel my heart race... I allowed my mind to open up. I looked around with wide exploring eyes at the bueaty all around me... for a moment in time I was almost satisfied... almost...

I looked up at the mighty trees, wondering if they could speak what would they say? I bet they would tell of others like myself that have been here releasing their thoughts. only the great powers that be could create such life... the wind blew and I shivered just a lil by the coolness. taking very deep breaths as I took each step.

with in moments we reached the beach area and began to walk the path to the play area... we sat at a small picnic table near by.... as we ate lunch I watched the activities around me...I noticed how life just goes on, even though I felt totally stuck in the moment...lost yet unafraid of my feelings.

after eating mike took a walk into the woods...and me and jen layed accrossed the brick wall... staring out at the ocean my mind wondered in and out as people walked by... I seen children entering the freezing water like it was mid august. they didnt even seem to mind that it was too cold 4 this activity... I seen them as they wandered the beach without their shoes and watched as the lil foot prints disappeared into the sand... I watched as they picked up rocks to watch the crabs run away to a new hiding spot.... I tried to imagine the way they felt.... but I couldn't...

I knew what I needed to do... so I began to write lil memorys about my experiances which is how I am able to recall it all now... a chicken scratched list but full of meaning...

karin and ellie joined a few of the kids in their crab adventure... I watched them laugh and play... and point and giggle... It made me smile and yet I still couldnt feel what I wanted to feel...

I got up... I climbed the wall and walked down the rocks to the beach... my shoes old and tattered. I could feel the water seep in... I reached down and lifted a rock...under it were about 50 lil crabs that rushed away... I pointed at them and giggled... I walked over to another rock and lifted it , and again tons of lil crabs raced away to a new spot... I guess I did this for a good 25 minuets each time feeling like it was a new experiance... Part of me felt bad 4 disturbing the lil creatures but another was as curious as the kids I watched doing the same thing just moments ago...

I looked out accrossed the water and admired the bueaty, despite the logs and debree floating in the near distance... I looked down and collected a few of the shells that were laying there.... I rubbed them and gentelly put them in my pocket... I noticed a heart shaped peice of wood floating... I reached down accidently getting my feet wet and decided I wanted jenny to have it.... I shook the xtra water off and walked away...

walking along the water side I noticed a clear place in the sand... instinctively I bent over and began to draw in the sand... 1st a pent then adding BA and SG... then a symbol for the gods then one of the goddess to each side... I stood back looked one last time and pushed the lump that was stuck in my throat down... again looking around , 1st up at the sky, then the trees then again to the ocean...then up at jen and the kids... I took a deep breath.... and walked back up the beach, then climbed the rocks, then over the wall...and finially over to jen who i smiled gratefully at.... I handed her the wood I had found and told her it called to me 4 her...

I sat 4 a few minuets longer looking back at the sand, but could no longer see where I had drawn as the tide was slowly washing it away... was that a sign... I dont know... Id like to think it was the powers that be telling me they took us into their hands and that we're protected... that was after all my intentions... I just never expected the tide to move in so fast... I looked up at the sky and again at the water and gave thanks....

I got up and started cleaning things up, but b4 I left I fed the left over french fries to the crows and seagulls as a way of giving back to nature what it had so grciously shared with me...

Before I left I climbed a big tree... not very far as since I got older I get frightened of heights...but enough to feel the life inside... I smiled and remembered once again what it felt like to view life in the eyes of a child...

it was a wonderful event..and yet as I walked away, to go back to the car I felt the emptiness began to surface... the pain of reality setting in... I was grateful for my experiances and tried to hold on to my hopes and dreams... and the child inside once again went into hiding.....

Brightest Blessings

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