OK!!!!!! Im gonna write about a sensitive subject..... (yes marg u know the topic) for the rest of ya..do u ever get into did cussions about people, places or things in your past that can really trigger mixed emotions? well today we're gonna discuss ronnie.... and trigger points that may remain in my life forever...

1st lets start by using the main parts of the convo between me and marg...shall we..(I am changing her name to marg in this for confinential reasons)I also deleted anything not pretaining to this topic.............

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MARG: R U HERE????????

BA: yes......

MARG: I HAV SUMTIN U MIGHT WANT

BA: ??????????

MARG: SUMTIN THAT WILL MAKE U THINK AGAIN

BA: ???????????????????????????????

BA: what what what????????

MARG: EMAILIN IT 2 U

BA: what the fuck is it?????

MARG: U WILL C

MARG: U WANT IT???

BA: what do u think?

MARG: YES

BA: is it an attachment?

BA: or a reg email?

MARG: NO

BA: either one...

BA: send it yahoo..what is it?

MARG: if i tell u may kill me

BA: jesus christ!

MARG: ok its sent

BA: k

MARG: did u get it

BA: trying to get into yahoo.

BA: do I need to hide this?

MARG: no

MARG: well

MARG: maybe

BA: or can i view w/ others around?

MARG: nottin dirty

BA: who is it?

MARG: ronnie

BA: doing?

MARG: sittin

BA: talking? do I need sound?

MARG: i guess not

MARG: i dont think i hav it

BA: is he talking?????

MARG: no

BA: k

MARG: watchin tv with kids

MARG: and niki doing his hair

BA: is ronnie there or somin?

MARG: yep

BA: does he know what u r doing?

MARG: evidently its a long file lols

BA: yep.... but hopefully worth it...

MARG: lols

BA: why do u say : MARG: SUMTIN THAT WILL MAKE U THINK AGAIN

MARG: i took pictures of it also

BA: what the hell would make me think again??????? Its not like the 3 words............

MARG: cause it will make u think bout the last 3 yrs

MARG: no

MARG: just cing him again i thought

BA: <= does that all the time..... not like it ever mattered to him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MARG: i know but i also know how u feel bout him

MARG: no matter what the hell u say

BA: I hav admitted a million times my feelings!

MARG: i know that

BA: unlike him........

MARG: but i didnt really want to send it

BA: ????????????????

BA: ur not making scense......

MARG: cause it might stir feeling up with in u

MARG: i dont know shit

MARG: just thought it wud make u cry

BA: just hearing his name does that....

MARG: and i dont want that

BA: I wasted 3 yrs of my life on a man who never loved me no matter what I did....3 yrs trying everything I knew... and he never loved me.....

BA: email the pics........

BA: where did u go?

MARG: im here

:MARG he gone now

MARG: he mayb back later

BA: ah

MARG: he want to take a bath

MARG: he with debbie now

BA: has he said anything about me since he was there??????

BA: (yes bitch u got me started again...)

MARG: he asked when u were movin back

BA: what did u tell him?

MARG: i told him u not far as i know

BA: and why the fuck is he asking not like my leaving bothered him or anything.........................

MARG: i dont know but u c y i not want to send anything to u u just get started again

MARG: old memories

BA: thats only cause he FUCKED ME over.....the wounds r still deep and love still exsists and the future is CLOSED (by his choice)..........

BA: <= big lump in throat, tightening of chest......

BA: and its not u, its the fact that he even breaths..... its the fact that I DO FUCKING CARE! its the fact that I do often think about memorys....missing old times (B4 LIFE WENT TO HELL when I still believed in mericals)

BA: okkkkkkkkkk lost u again.....

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Well as u can c the whole subject of ronnie still fires me up... why? is the question..as I was saying in the convo above its not like he loved me or anything...I mean if he did he never told me..and its not like he is telling me now either... just seeing him reminds me of the fucked up dream I had that some day that man would love me, would make me his wife , that he would forfill my needs...and IT NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!!! instead he tore my heart out and fed it too me...leaving me w/ memories of what we had, leaving me with screwed up thoughts about what should have been....

I tried soooo hard to please him, I tried to make him happy..and at one time he made me the happiest woman in the world...I actually believed that we were ment to b.... do u know any woman who picks paint off her boyfriend after he gets home from work? do u know many wemon who get up and make their b/f's lunch 4 wk, serves them coffee in bed?, gives them their baths for over a year????? I did it, not only did I do it I FUCKING ENJOYED IT!!!!!!How could I have been soooo stupid....

why does the mer thought of him bother me now... why does seeing the video marg sent me make me miss him that much more? I just don't understand...I don't understand why he even asked when I was comming back...is there something that no one is telling me? is there hidden thoughts? hell why do I care? I dont know anything but that I do care....

mixed emotions of love, and pain..thats where I stand... mixed emotions that only marg knows because she lived it w/ me... benifit of a doubt she use to say..until one day even she told me to move on..... How am I suppose to feel?

he won't even talk to me...thats a big rage 4 me...

we r adults, the restraining order is done... and he isn't even man enough to talk to me.... after all I did...after all I tried to give him....

FUCK IT I've raved on and on long enough.... I guess this subject will linger in my mind the rest of the night...and anytime his name appears in conversation......

*sighs* and walks away......

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