Fantasy Verses Reality Vol. 1

Today I had Mr Golden take me back to the place where we shared our 1st date. I sat quietly in his car as we drove down the streets. When he reached over and asked to hold my hand my mind began to ease but that was a false since of security. We kissed over and over as we walked along the trail. After we reached the little bridge, he reached in his pocket and pulled out a beautiful handmade Indian necklace and stated that he had wanted to give it to me for a long time. Then, he looked me in the eyes and told me he loved me. Maybe I should have allowed the the happiness to continue but we were there for a reason so I said, "If u love me, talk to me". He said, he didn't want to... I said, "just do it.... I know, just do it." That's when he said the words that shattered my soul.�

�he said that it hadn't been an easy decision but that on paper she was his best choice in order to get his kids. I couldn't fight the tears. In return, neither could he. Between the two of us, we spent the next hour crying. I told him everything that I had thought about last night and then told him he could leave when ever he wanted but that I wasn't going with him that I would walk.� I made him leave me in those woods. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I wanted to beg and scream his name until he couldn't hear me any more but instead I said, " IF you can walk the trail (15 min) back to the car and drive all the way home without turning around then go." I stayed at the bridge, carved I will love you forever Lincoln. love, jesilyn on one side of the bridge, and Jesilyn & Lincoln 9-18-04 to 7-26-05 "he took my heart here and broke my heart here on 7-26-05"..... on the other side of the bridge then I walked the trail in tears all the way back to the street...�

As I reached the top of the hill, I seen him. My heart skipped a beat. It was a sign. I asked him what he was doing wandering around up there. he claimed he got lost getting back to the street but I still believe that he was contemplating coming back and now I regret not staying at the bridge. I walked the rest of the way to the street w/ him. I asked him if he thought getting lost was a sign that he was making a mistake. he basically said that his mind was made up. Again he took me in his arms and we cried. I lost my strength and began to beg him not to do this. It's obvious that he loves me and I him that we could make it work and get his children. that's when he pulled away, raced accrossed the street and left. In return, I began to walk , 3 miles, home. Once there, I gathered all the items he had gotten me along with all the picture frames I had of us together and him alone then wrote the following note:

Mr. Golden Sir�

�

As I stood crying and cursing the gods and asking them what I did to deserve this I used my knife to carve things into the bridge. I watched and prayed that you would turn around. After I had finished carving and had turned around a few times I finally got the courage to walk back up the trail. When I seen you walking through the weeds I thought that maybe you had reconsidered and my prayers had been answered but that was not the case. Despite the love we share you just couldn�t change your mind. Afterwards, the walk home gave me a lot of time to think. As I walked I kept feeling my pocket and thinking to myself that I did not deserve such a precious gift. The farther I walked the more I realized that it wasn�t that I didn�t deserve it, it was that it was wrong of me to accept it. As much as I love you and would like to have trinkets to hold on to, I know in my heart that it is wrong. I am not a material person and my love for you surpasses any material item you could ever offer me. It is my belief that the time we shared is best kept alive inside the most safest place; my heart. Therefore I feel the need to not only return the gorgeous necklace but the rest of the items as well. Please do not think that by returning the material items that I am also relinquishing my love for you because I would never do that. What I am doing is allowing you to keep what I feel is rightfully yours. After all� I have everything that I am �allowed� to have. I have the memories, the detailed story, and the tattoos that were inspired by my love for you� unlike material items that weather, get lost or lose value; no one can take love away from me� You see:

The 1^st thing that I must return is the flower you drew on our 1^st date� it has lived in my checkbook for the past ten months� I know it may not have seemed like much to you but it meant the world to me� I love hand made gifts and well� you made it especially for me. On that same day you not only showed me interest as a human being instead of a sexual toy you stole my heart. That little drawing was the beginning of my emotional bonding. Please keep it along with the tickets from the night that you took me to see Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy in your wallet pull it out now and then and remember those moments and the feelings that you had during those moments.

When you gave me the woody woodpecker and you told me you were jealous of him because he would get to sleep with be. You were right he did, but he never for filled my need to feel your arms around me every night as I cried myself to sleep. Without you here in my life his presence is simply materialistic. (Basically he was a placeholder and since you do not wish to share that place he signifies a void left behind.) Give him to one of the kids� That would make them smile therefore making you smile.

The photos are print outs of the ones that I have cherished. They once sat on my mantel and on my in table beside my bed. (I have copies on my pc) I believe you should take them with you because the fact is that your face will forever walk my dreams as I long to change the past. For you I hope that they will remind you of the love we shared and the smile that being together placed on your face.

As for the dream catcher, it holds my dreams (it represents all the times I prayed for a future with you and all the times I secretly begged the gods to make you a permanent fixture in my life.) and therefore should reside with you as well�Place it on your car mirror and let it remind you that someone will always love you.

Then, there is the painting, my favorite gift that still holds the ribbons, but no longer helps me to hang on. It represents a belief that I once thought we shared. I no longer have the power to believe in our future because you gave up on believing in me. (IF you believed in me you would have believed that together we could manage any task including gaining custody of your children instead of deciding to go with a woman that could offer you only material items instead of a loving relationship.)

With that I am going to close this letter. I am not going to waste the time begging again but I will say this: should you change your mind before you move, you can always get in touch with me. If not, again I say I love you and hope that your dreams come true.

�

Love Always,

�� Jesilyn

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I drove over to the trailer. I had Karin jump out, place the material items on the porch, ring the doorbell, and run back to the car where I spun off....
Today will easily go down as the worst day of my life. How else do you describe it when a man tells you he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life w/ her but then says that a woman he doesn't love looks better on paper?

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