Now I feel like shit. I feel like I failed my daughter. I feel like I fed Star to the DOG in order to save the other 3 kids from her actions. Now I am in emotional agony. I don't even want to look at her right now....

Instead of explaining my feelings here I'm simply going to post the letter in which I handed her before signing the license... here you go...

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Dear Starla,

If you are reading this letter it is because I could no longer take the pressure being administered to me by yourself and Jason. It means I have failed to protect you from yourself and the man you claim to love. It means I have finally been whipped and beaten emotionally enough by your romurs, your lies, and the constant invasive actions of CPS as they investigate the rumors and lies that the two of you have been spreading. It means that I have signed the marriage license and by doing so I have granted you the freedom to chose weather or not you truely want to take the final steps to become Mrs. Jason Anthony Ortega. IT DOES NOT MEAN I APROVE, GIVE MY BLESSING OR THAT I WILL TAKE PART IN ANYTHING.

Now, before you simply discard this letter , I ask you to continue to read for it may be the last contact we ever have. Especially since you are allowing Jason to jerk not only yourself but my grand-daughter 3000 miles away and out of my life....No I don't expect to see her again, and IF that is to be the case then this letter will be "YOUR" proof as to why I've done what I've done, said what I said and decided what I have. It will be the one thing that may mean something to you when I am gone. Matter a fact it's all I can think about as I sit and hold this bueatiful baby. IF ONLY YOU COULD SEE WHAT I SEE....

Star, as stupid as you think I am, I've been where you are now and I know you are young, blind and in love. I know you think Jason is your Knight in Shining Tattoo Gear and that he is going to make you a palace and provide the world. I know that you think you know exactly what you are getting yourself into but the fact is, I've known you longer than you've even known yourself and I know the woman you are trying to be is still only 1/2 the woman you are capible of actually becoming. I believe you are smarter than to throw your life away like this and I believe that IF you do it is because you have been brainwashed into believing differantly. Sometimes it's just hard to view things from another prospective and that is where I think we stand.

You think I'm against you, and that I want you to fail... but in reality it's just the oppisite. I want what is best for you and you are too stubborn to see that. I know alot of things that only experiance can provide and I know that one day you will look back and wish you would have listened. My worst fear is that you will lose Nevaeh along the way. I can not tell you how scared and hurt that I am that this is even an issue. I know that once married, he can take her and there will be nothing you can do about it. I know you don't want to hear that or believe it's even possible but, I don't trust him Star and w/ his track record, I feel, he has shown very little proof that he can and will support your and Nevaeh's every need. You think I had it hard raising you 4, well hun, on what little money he brings in and what that money goes on, you are going to struggel; especially in Washington where a simple apartment costs $700.00 a month... I know you don't under stand these worrys. I know you don't understand yet what it's like to have the baby screaming she's hungry, as the electric is cut off, because the man was fired. I know you have no idea what it's like to litterally cry yourself to sleep because your baby's birthday or christmas will be empty of the modern items that her peers are recieving. And I know, you've yet to learn what it's like to know that you dedicated your ENTIRE life including 1/2 your childhood only to be told that you are the worst mother in the world by a rebelous teenager. Now a days I not only know what it feels like to be the teen, I also know what it feels like to be the parent/grandparent involved as well and I beg my mother forgiveness every day of my life.... The fact is I never wanted you to face these things. I wanted you to grow up, graduate, go to college, prepare a future and never have to endure the horrors of my past... I still pray for this but fear it's in vain.

With everything in me, I know you will regret what you are doing. The sad part is that you will be too far away for me to rescue you when it happens. I also know that the family you think will back you once there will disappoint you when something happens just like they did before. I think that's my worst fear and YES, I'm scared Starla Christina Marie, and even though you believe my fears are un-ness I believe you know i don't go to such drastic measures unless I believe what I'm saying to be true and usually things happen just as I invision. so I BEG YOU... PLEASE be cautious and take the time to truely concider all possibilities because once you marry Jason, he will have the capibility of not only leaving you but taking her with him... and IF that happens I can not save you... I can't save her...

Basically, I guess I'm saying that if if you are set on following through w/ your plans then, all I can do is tell you how I feel and that I'm here for you when this pipe-dream fails (And I know it will). No matter what, I am still your mother and I still love you. I will be here to help you pick up the peices and carry on. You and Nevaeh will always have a home you can find refuge in. However, this offer comes with stipulations and those include 1. You must have Nevaeh w/ you if you return. 2. You would be expected to abide by my rules; which include taking responcibility for yourself and her. 3. He would never be welcome in my home again, so you better make sure it's over. because I can not nor will I contiunue to deal w/ the chaos he brings into the lives of those who love YOU!

With that said, I will close but before I do I feel the need to again tell you how much I love you and wish you would reconsider. From here on out, you are the one who muust endure your decisions....

Love,
Always and forever,
~MoM~