Just when you think things will calm down, you find out that it's simply another calm before the next storm. That's where life stands right now.

I've spent the past 17 years of my life trying to secure the lives of these kids. I've done everything I've known how to provide them with the skills needed to susceed in this hard cold world. I've tried to instill the true meaning of the word family and the power of respect. However it seems I have yet to master the art of parenting; at least in their eyes.

I'm still struggeling to raise these kids as each seems to be coming into their own and it seems the battle I thought was coming to an end is only just beginning over and over again.

Many of my readers have watched as my life has suffered it's twists and turns and I'm sure due to my silence I have lost many readers along the way. I guess I simply got tired of reporting the roller coaster of events that make up my life. However I know it's time to continue the theraputic adventure that this diary once gave me. NO I am not gonna promised to update everyday, but I have now added a link to myspace so I feel a lil more obligated to actually submit something... LOL

anyway as I said before life is full of roller coasters these days and I am faced w/ many emotional barriers.

1. Star and Jay are selling everything they own and plan to head back to Seattle the 1st week of next month. I'm terrified for my daughter as well as my grand-daughter. It's not easy to face the facts when your in love and I know it but the fact is she just doesn't see that he has yet to show that he can pay 200$ a month and all the other things that their family's needs; alone pay the costs of living in the surrounding Seattle areas. Of course they think I'm being a royal bitch when I state that but I know I'm being blunt and simply trying to provide guidance.

In return they have done nothing but tried to shatter this family until I have caved and decided to sign the marriage license. IF it wasn't for the emotional well being of the other kids I would fight til my death over this. Because, anyone who knows me knows that when I feel this strongly about something, my preminitions are generally CORRECT. and this time I forsee Star either being thrown in the streets w/ Nevaeh, or Jay taking the baby, and Star being in the streets ALONE! IF this happens I will have NO WAY of getting to her or helping her. But what does a mother do when things are the way ther are. She is so damn strong willed and no longer cares what she has to do or who she destroys to get what she wants so I'm given no choice but to let go and PRAY!

2. Then there is Dylan. Mr. I can handle anything. He doesn't care what people say. All Dylan cares about is doing what Dylan wants. Of course he had a GREAT bunch of teachers.

He doesn't want to go to school, he doesn't keep the good friends; instead he'd rather run w/ thugs, and sport the "CRIP" colors. He is such a follower and w/ his disabilities, it's hard to say what he actually comprehends...

The fact is, I've tried everything and nothing seems to work w/ him. He was picked up by the police last week and now has to go to court because he was caught w/ alcohol... go figure. Mom don't drink but he is fasanated w/ it... Hopefully the judge will be able to teach him something....

3. Karin... Oh yes miss drama queen... he is trying to be everything she isn't and getting the reputation of something she is not! She doesn't understand that her choice of friends is not healthy, nor does she understand that she is only 10 and just because all her friends can do anything they want she isn't going to. I've had to bring down the fire gods on her ass lately and it's made me the bad guy of course.

In return there is a lot of screaming, argueing, and attempts at being consistant which never seems to go over w/ her. Her favorite things is to scream "I wanna live w/ daddy!"... like that is ever gonna happen at her age. John couldn't handle them right now any more than Roger could Dylan...

I just hope that I can save her before she follows the roads Star has chosen... I do not want another daughter to face the fate the past 3 generations have faced...

4. Ellie... yes miss ellie...
she is the one who makes life wild and crazy. on one hand she is content being the baby. She still plays w/ toys and has only a small interest in boys... but then she has been known to call the dog her boyfriend... so that doesn't bother me. what bother's me is that she has a mouth as sharp as a knife and knows exactly how to use it.

She doesn't follow directions and tends to throw huge fits when she doesn't get her way.

I've managed to keep her close lately and am trying to shelter her more. I suppose this whole parental guidance thing really does vary per child... She of course is typical and hates athority...

Sooo...

Basicaly I am dealing w/ alot of crazy issues and still managing to hold on to my sainty; even though I don't know how. Auto piolet is a meraculous thing. I just hope it holds out until these kids grow up... and I hope when they look back on their lives years from now, they will say... Mom tried her best...

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