Introduction

My name is Jessica Lynn Tolson-Montgomery. My peers know me as Jesilyn. I�m a thirty-four year old, Bi-sexual, polygamous, ordained �Pagan� minister, childhood (physical, emotional, sexual) abuse survivor, and single mother who resides with my three children (Elizabeth age 9, Karin age 11, and Dylan age 14). I also have one grown daughter (Starla, age 17). At this time, my family and I live in a singlewide, two-bedroom trailer, in the small town of Graysville, Ohio. Where I am currently unemployed and focusing my attention on earning a bachelors degree specializing in Psychology, from City University. This will not end my educational journey because after achieving my bachelors I will begin my Master�s program. However, once I achieve my Master�s Degree, my focus will shift towards gaining a career in the Federal Prison System as a Criminal Psychologist. This is where I hope to incorporate experience, and survivor�s compassion to assist others to gain the tools they need to not only survive but also thrive in the same world that harmed us.

(On the following pages, I will provide a shortened version of my own life story, numerically attach citation to certain events throughout the text and record it�s orientation on a separate page for easy reference. By the end of this document, it should be concluded that I could not only understand the developmental theories but also apply several of which to real life situations.)

�The Past�

I was born on Feb. 9th, 1973, in Middletown, Ohio. My father Jeffery Harmon Tolson Jr. was born July 29, 1956, and my mother Karin Peggy Smith was born Aug. 3rd, 1957. [1]At fifteen and sixteen years old, mere children, these two individuals not only conceived a child, but got married, and attempted to become adults. Their marriage did not last, and when they divorced I went to live with my great grand parents Rose and Laxton McIntyre.

Being wealthy people, with many powerful friends gave them a secret power in our community. I remember growing up the first seven years of my life as a functional child who got everything I needed. Everything that is, except true love from my parents and family. I became a pawn, a bargaining tool, and used to cause my parents pain. On visitation days Rose would make promises of great presents and adventures that she planned if I stayed home. These torturous events would normally leave me in tears making visitation a very chaotic time. I would however calm down and begin enjoying things until it was time to return home and the chaos would begin all over again.

At seven I went to live with my mother. After a brief phone conversation, where I overheard Laxton tell my mother that he could no longer handle the little bitch (me) to come get her (me) now! I realized at that time, just how cold my family could be. Shortly after the move Rose died and happiness over came my life. However, these years of happiness would soon be scarred by events beyond my control.

I cannot tell you when the abuse actually began; all I know is that I was nine. I don't remember the first touch; I simply know that I got really good at hiding my pain. I like to say that I �somehow� mastered the art of [2]disassociation. I desperately wanted to be saved. But how could I tell, who would listen, and would they believe me? After all, this was the family that I had always wanted. Leaving me to wonder; how could a stepfather that I had loved so much do this, and to me of all people?

Three years passed before my mother found out about the abusive situation. After which, we went to visit our former minister and that's when things got worse. My mother told him what had been going on, he informed her of his obligation to report all events of child abuse. Out of respect he gave her a couple hours to call and report the issue herself. He felt she would look better if she personally made the report. Otherwise they may take me from her and neither of us wanted that. This is how Butler County Department of Children�s Services and the court system became involved in my life.

The word chaos can be used to describe the next two years as I was forced into counseling, and to tell every heart breaking detail over and over again. At one point, my original counselor Dr. Ronald Scott decided the effects of the abuse were limited and that despite the events I would live a productive life with little to no repercussions. He in return dropped us from his care and told the courts that further counseling was no longer necessary. Instead of taking his professional advice, they forced me into a new program, in an office where the workers were aged, irate, and difficult to associate with. My counselor not only placed blame on my mother and my father, but in ways I think she placed blame on me. Needless to say, our meetings did absolutely nothing for my mental statue. Over all, the experience could be described, as an emotional rape that left permanent scars that far surpassed any trauma left by the abuse it�s self. Only after months of continual heartache did my father secretly move me out of state, away from the constant disturbances that I still to this day feel would have eventually destroyed me.

During the process of our state-to-state journey, my father allowed me to run my own life. He treated me like an adult. Drugs were fine; alcohol was fine, even sex was fine. Sadly, when we left I was unaware that I was about 2-3 wks pregnant with the child of my then teen-age lover (Russell, age 14). Due to sexual abuse, and my age at conception, my body was not ready to except the terms of a pregnancy. Because of this, I lost my first son to spontaneous abortion (better known as miscarriage). This event went unknown as well as untreated (until 1988, when I lost my second son).

The next stage of my life left me feeling more a victim than I had ever known. David (my step-father) had not been my �real� father so I easily marked him off as a deviant and had not allowed him to spoil my self-esteem or future. But now I was being faced with an even worse issue. MY FATHER... Each episode would begin the same way. My father, a practicing �Satanic,� warlock would chant scriptures from the Satanic Bible and force me into incestuous activities. [3]With the experience of my past, never in a million years would I have reported the abuse; especially after what happen the last time. So I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and decided that something somewhere had to change. I had been the toy of two significant males in my life and it was time that I got passed this... [4]My safety was clearly in my own hands.

In September 1987, at the age of fourteen, with my father�s permission, I married my 1st husband, John. After which, my father returned us to Butler County where I again became the victim of the state. I was immediately removed from my marital relationship, placed in juvenile hall, where I spent seven days to assure that I would not escape. Obviously they couldn�t keep me isolated in the justice system long, so the courts placed me in a private mental hospital. The idea was to evaluate me and use any information possible to restore my childhood. Of course, this process failed and initiated another placement; a foster home. I fled from this home after only six months and became a runaway.

Between 1988 and 1990 as a married woman/child on the run, I traveled state-to-state via truck with various drivers and was accompanied by my eldest daughter�s father (Donnie, age 17). This behavior continued through one pregnancy/miscarriage, and into a second pregnancy until I was six months along. At this time we settled down, I earned my GED, (on my own, with no more than a sixth grade education) and delivered my first daughter. This was the turning point of my life.

[5]My identity was changing I was a mother and a young one at that. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I was destined to do everything I could. I left Starla�s alcoholic, abusive father who later died in prison and returned to Butler County to seek assistance and support from my closest friends and with any hope, my mother. Starla and I moved into our own apartment and I became engaged in a new relationship.

I married my 2nd husband, Roger in 1991, did manage to repair my relationship with my mother before she was murdered July 4, 1992, and then gave birth to my son two months later. The stress was so heavy that it collapsed my marriage, after which, I returned to my 1st husband, and remarried him in 1994. If I had only known� But, as always, the new relationship brought gratification. We worked outside the home, managed the bills and functioned within the household with my children. Things were good. The only thing left was to have a baby of our own and after three years of continual attempts, we finally produced a daughter and six months later became pregnant with a second. On the other hand, this didn�t change the absolute decline of the relationship. By this time, John�s drinking had worsened, arguments soared, emotions raged, and escape became my primary focus. I knew what I had to do; however, the relationship would take another three years to end.

Being alone with four children, no job, and nowhere to turn tends to do something to a woman. Therefore, this began another stage of my life. This is when I decided to focus on my children and myself. (Sure, there were other men. I did not feel the need to live a celibate life. But, over all, none of them could fill the void within me.) [6]After a while, I began looking over past, sorting out the details, and trying to make sense of it all. Basically, I concluded that before age thirty, I had been married three times, divorced three times, birthed four children and been abused more times than could be counted. Yet, somehow, I had managed to get to where I was. This told me something. It told me that I was a survivor. It told me that I could accomplish anything I put my mind to. It told me that despite the challenges, I couldn�t give up. This self-evaluation allowed me to embark on a personal, spiritual journey that lasted almost two years and taught me not only who I wanted to be, but what I wanted to do with my life.

[7]In 2002, I moved my children to Seattle Washington, spent a year getting on our feet, and then allowed education to re-enter my life. August 2003 began my quest for knowledge, and my first quarter at Highline Community College in Des Moines, Washington. At first the atmosphere was intimidating. I isolated myself in my studies, allowing very few to get close. Then one day, out of nowhere, with the support of my instructors, I became involved in various leadership opportunities. Who would have known that this experience would create such confusion? On one hand I was a low-income, single mom who barely made it day-to-day, week-to-week and month-to-month. On the other hand, I was working closely with some of the highest regarded individuals on campus. It was a battle of the selves. Inside I knew I wasn�t what I was. I knew with hard work and dedication I could achieve greater success. But reality said that under normal terms, these people wouldn�t even look at me. I became afraid. Afraid that I would somehow forget where I came from, forget who I was, lose humanity so to speak and for a while, I found myself drifting away from the very thing I needed most; a stable support system that would ensure the success of my future.

As time passed, I began to feel more comfortable. The more comfortable I felt the more involved I became. I don�t think I had ever felt so sure of anything in my life. As I left Highline, and moved on to Central Washington University, I believed nothing could ever change my path. Of course, everything in life is subject to change and my life was about to take a plunge.

August 2005 set events in motion that would take almost two years to regain control of. 1st, my fianc� called off our relationship in August. Then in September, my eldest daughter (then 15 yrs old) not only assaulted me, but also informed me that she was pregnant by her then 23-year-old boyfriend. Of course, October was spent attempting to get her under control and by November, I was well on my way to a nervous breakdown. So, I quit school, packed our belongings, and moved myself along with four children, and two cats 3000 miles home to family, which only made things worse.

In the end, Starla finished her education, gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on May 1, 2006, and made my life a living hell[8] until I gave in and signed her marriage license. In return, under extreme mental anguish, [9]I boycotted the wedding, grew even more depressed, and moved away in order to protect myself and my other children.

�Present�

Months later, I�m living in Ohio. Starla on the other hand, is pregnant again and living with her husband and my granddaughter in Washington. We talk now and then, but the bond has become so distant in nature that it causes continual anxiety. I find myself trying to stay busy in hopes to divert my anguish. Obviously, My first experience towards empty nest has taken a toll beyond anything I ever imagined.

On a positive note, my life and that of my other three children has changed for the better. Country living has forced them to spend quality time together and forced me to spend more time with them as well. They are engaging in sports and cheerleading, we�ve grown a house full of animals, and begun to re-understand the meaning of responsibility, respect, and commitment. Not to mention the effects of the past seem to be fading away as each come of us come into our own. Some of us (me) just seem to require more time to work through the grief process.

�Future; A Theoretical Prediction�

As the theories of Freud played out, so does the days my life (Boeree, 2006). On one hand, the past controls my thinking, the voices of my abusers, the struggles, and my current symptoms of depression, allow my pessimistic side to doubt that positive events reside in my future. [10]On the other hand, reactance to these same issues continues to form, granting me the motivation to move forward with the same determination as always. Over all, this is an internal battle between conscious and unconscious motivations. (In one sense I know and can manage my problems; in another, some roots are yet buried under years of hardships and self-made barriers that need to be discovered. Unfortunately, this battle within will likely continue until such time as �I feel� I have achieved success.

Just what does success mean to me? By looking at Abraham Maslow�s Hierarchy of Needs Theory (Personality, unknown) along with his Redefinition of Self-Actualization(Toward, 1968), I can describe my personal definition of success in psychological terms. This definition meets the typical guidelines by covering Physiological, Safety, Belongingness and Love, and Esteem Needs; along with Self-Actualization such as written in the original theory. It also recognizes that self-actualization is more of a mode in which a person lives; a phase so to speak, where the person feels the utmost comfort, support and happiness; such as in the modified version. It is my opinion, by achieving my career goals; I will also gain a satisfactory income, supporting associates, and eliminate my fears that are associated with previous hardships and lack of basic humanistic needs. This along with a satisfactory set of interpersonal relationships including those with my children, grandchildren and at least one of physical intimacy, will create the needed support system to stabilize my self-esteem and therefore complete (If only temporarily) my goal of Self-Actualization.

Of course, life has taught me pessimism that can be explained with Erik Erickson�s Psychosocial Theory (Clifton, 1995). This theory suggests that individuals face stages as they mature. It predicts that once an individual reaches senior status that they begin to reflect on their lives. This reflection will either create a vision of integrity or that of despair. In my case, if I successfully reach Maslow�s self-actualized stage then I will be able to reflect upon my past with integrity. However, if for some reason, I do not reach such satisfactory results then I may be faced with despair. Obviously, Despair would consist of negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions. It would be seen, as a personal failure, which is something my ego, is not prepared to accept at this time.

References

Boeree, C. George (2006). Sigmund Freud 1856-1939 retrieved Jan 20, 2007

From the Personality Theories Website:

http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/freud.html

Clifton A, David D. (1995). Psychosocial Theory: Erickson Retrieved Jan 20, 2007

From Haverford.edu Site:

http://www.haverford.edu/psych/ddavis/p109g/erikson.stages.html

Personality and Consciousness (material from Motivation and Personality - MP)

Maslow's Holistic Dynamic Needs Hierarchy. Retrieved on Jan 20, 2007

From The Personality and Consciousness Website:

http://pandc.ca/?cat=abraham_maslow&page=needs_hierarchy

Toward a Psychology of Being (1968). Redefinition of Self Actualization

Retrieved on Jan 20, 2007 From The Personality and Consciousness Website:

http://pandc.ca/?cat=abraham_maslow&page=episodic_self_actualization

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[1] Week 5: Parents, who in retirement, raise their children�s children.

[2] Disassociation: Drifting off into thy own imagination to a safe place away from the current situation. This is very similar to Sigmund Freud�s Denial (Boeree, 2006)

[3] This is an example of Sigmund Freud�s explanation of Realistic Anxiety (Boeree, 2006)

[4] Sigmund Freud�s reality principle at work. (Boeree, 2006)

[5] An example of Maslow�s self-actualization theory

[6] This is another example of Maslow�s Self Actualization Theory. However according to Erik Erickson�s Psychosocial Theory, if I had been older I would have been dealing with integrity verses despair.

[7] Continual effort of self-actualization.

[8] Living Hell: This is an example of Sigmund Freud�s description of Moral Anxiety. and

[9] Sigmund Freud�s description of denial. (Boeree, 2006)

[10] Reactance Formation: According to Sigmund Freud, this is when someone in authority makes a prediction and the person fights to separate that prediction from him or her selves. They react in the exact opposite manner than expected.

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